Experiencing a Moment

Some experiences take a long time and some happen all at once.  It's this brilliant way of being human that is so fantastic and so incredibly strange, but in all of its glory, very very beautiful.

It's not that I've never noticed this before.  I notice it all the time, but somehow today, it seems worth talking about.  Maybe it's because I've had so many experiences today that I've generally been truly grateful for.  

I've gotten to go and see a great person and share my stories.  I've gotten retweeted by someone I care about their opinions.  I've gotten to see one of the nicest and cleanest roadside stops on probably this face of the planet.  These are all really kind of instant things but they've all built from little things in me.   They've all built up from a string of incidents in my life.

The stories are something I'm proud of, but I don't want to share them with my family.  I think I'm scared of their judgment because I like them.  This is my talent and I like it too.   I mean there are these two things that I want so much for people to like and it's just hard blending those two things together. 

Getting to share those stories with soemone who cared, it might be something to take the chance on.  Maybe I should just email them to her and get her opinion.  I don't know how they are right now and who knows maybe she has some inspiring piece of story to help me along in my career.

With the idea that I've got someone who I like replying to me on twitter, I've liked a lot of things.  I like people.  I like things.   And I've gotten into a crazy world that I adore.  And I've met people I adore through it.  So when someone new and good comes into this circle, it's great.  As an actor, he's wonderful and seeing him vlog was just something amazing, it's a little piece of what I like in people. 

And I feel I need to tell people that I care.  I love people.   They need to know that their work is flourishing and the idea that comment made an impact makes me smile.  I've never wanted anything in my life other than to make comments that matter and/or touch people in a personal way.

That cleanest rest stop, well, let's just say i've seen walmarts smaller than it.  It's a place where people are connected by this crazy idea that they're all going somewhere.  They are all meeting family or friends or going to a new place and it's all just everyone is connected by this strange happiness.  It's happiness is reflected in it's ability to defy all expectations of rest stops and be bright and shiny.

Maybe we've all been exactly where I am now.  Maybe we haven't.  All I know is that life is crazy and complicated and beautiful in ways that I've never expected and that makes it fun.  Life is always worth living, even if someone tells you otherwise.  Maybe especially then.  Enjoy the experience and the ride because it's all crazy but no one gets to make your artwork.  You have that job.  Make it what you want to be.   And mine, well it's bright colors and wonderful pattern. 

Love Ya,
Nina x

It's Been Awhile

It's been more than a week and I'm sorry for that.  I will try to keep a bit better tabs on this thing.  But let's talk about this week and why I've been a bit too busy to entertain you.  The main reason is that I contracted the tiny chickens disease.

For those of you who are not nerdfighters, that means I came down with a cold.  What happened was kind of like this.  Day one: Bad Headaches.  Day Two: Bad headaches and appetite kind of out of wonk. Day Three: Snot and Crap. Day Four: Oh my god, please let me die, because this is just horrible.  So yeah, I have been sick now for about a week and things are finally starting to turn up.  There's no headaches.  Finally, there's starting to be less snot and stuff, but the chickens seem to be evacuating my nasal cavity so that is all good.

The other things are that I like to be extremely loud when I type so on Sunday on the worst of me being sick, we (meaning me, my three younger siblings, and our five dogs) were relegated to the upstairs and had to be super effing quiet because my mother was filming in our downstairs which was more or less a nightmare for me.  So typing was basically, in my room, trying to be as quiet as I possibly could while being sick and kind of just hating life in general.

On monday, I went to go babysit some kids and just didn't think to blog.  Probably wouldn't have been that interesting anyway.

But I have also finished another book to add to the Books I've read collection page, so I'm glad to have done that.  I read Maureen Johnson's "13 Little Blue Envelopes" and it was FANTASTIC.  It was an easy read.  I started it on Monday and finished it today but I really only read in chunks of like one or two hours.   So that was nice.  It was really super quick and something I would recommend to a few people.   Because it was like being on an adventure without having to pay for it.

Oh, I've also written words.  I don't know if I told you last time how many words I was at, but currently I'm at 18K, almost 19K and so it's going along smoothly.  Once I finish it, I will tell you what it's about but the crazy thing about my brain is that I don't like to tell anyone.  I keep the goal inside or else I'll never do it.   And so I thank you guys for your patience, but it's gonna be here I promise.

Video blogging is a thing I should get back to.  I haven't done it in awhile and that's something I want to do again.  I wasn't going to do it while I was sick and there was a couple of other things that were just affecting a lot of stuff.  But I'm back on being on the road to completing things.   Hopefully, you'll see me soon.

DFTBA Darlings,
Nina x

Beda: Day 30: Thoughts from the end.

So this is the last Blog in a row for BEDA but there's a lot going on.   I want to do a lot and this blog was certainly one of the best things that I've done in a long time.  Doing a bunch of creative projects at the same time, while having to deal with pesky things like finals and family.

Still in the place that I've been put in, I can't say I'm not glad to have it be done with the whole thing.  I mean I've been having some trouble keeping up with the whole thing.   I want to just sleep and relax a little and while not doing the blog for a couple of days might let me do that, it's more about the fact that I'm going to be done very soon with the finals and things.

It is really nice having this blog though to record my voice and thoughts.   It'll be nice to get back to it eventually.   Hopefully, it won't be too long before I get back to it.   Because enjoyment is the spice of life and I'm getting it from doing this.   Even just typing the words on the keyboard gives me some joy.  

I haven't been especially creative this month in anything else other than vlogging and blogging and doing the photo, but I'm doing it.   I'm figuring it out and I think that's all I can ask for.   Just to have it work out.

I hope anyone out there reading this is doing well.   Keep it going and show some love to someone you think could use it.   Because who knows, you could very well make that person's and it's something beautiful.

Living is something that's hard enough, but when we get bogged down with all the crap, it's very hard to see the great things staring us in the face.   And while I'm in that place bogged down with all the crap, it's getting easier to see through the fog.   Being tough is not necessarily my way of life, but it is something I try to do whenever I can.

Beda: Day 28: Seeing Sissy.

I loved Today.   Today was a good day in so many ways.

The biggest being that I got to see my sister.   My sister who is in AIT and can't stay over for a weekend likes to hand out with us still and I'm just lucky to have her.   She likes to do things with me and it was just glorious.   Due to respect to her, I didn't  film anything in the day, but it was so cool.  

We got lunch, did some shopping, went to get coldstone, did some more shopping and then came back home and ate dinner and watched a bit of TV together.   Sounds like a freaking awesome day I know.   You wish you were living my life. 

But in all seriousness, that was probably one of the first times that I've been out of the house for something that wasn't school related in a long time.   and i'm just so stinking glad I got out of the house.   it was one of those things, like cleaning, that I had been putting off for a long time and finally did and realized how much easier life would have been if I had done that a whole lot sooner.   All reinvorgorated and stuff.

So yeah, that was my day and now after walking around so much my leg hurts and I'm tired but I wouldn't change it for the world.   Because it's what I wanted and what Needed.   Anyone telling me otherwise is wrong.

Beda: Day 19: The Problem With Person X.

It's early in the morning and we need to talk.   This is something that I would never put on the video blog because this is for the people who really want a deeper perspective on me and this is not something I would really ever share on my video blog.  I've had someone very recently come up, I won't tell you their relation to me or call them by their name because who knows who could be reading this out there, so for now, I want to tell you about person X.   Person X has been in my life for a long time but never really a part of it. 

My problem with Person X is that they don't really seem to care about me.   They don't seem to care about my feelings or interests and due to the somewhat forced bond we have, it's hard to just cut X out of my life completely.   That's what I want to do though.   This person has made no effort to understand who I am as a person.   X doesn't care if they hurt my family members with the way they use their words.  And they just generally have no idea with what's going on in my life.

Normally, if this was anyone else, I wouldn't care.   X, it would seem, is different because they can make the people around me feel inadequate and I'm just I want to be done with it.   We're never going to have the relationship that we should and so I should just be able to drop it, shouldn't I?  I mean there's nothing wrong with people who don't want to be friends and/or family to me.   I'm cool with that.  I don't have to have everyone like me.   What seems to be the problem is that I'm kind of bowing to social pressure by having this relationship with Person X in the first place.

In an ideal world, I could tell Person X to fuck off with their bullshit, that I live my life they way I want to and if they disapprove then they can go marry a squirrel for all I care.  I know that would hurt a lot more people than just Person X though.   Because unfortunately, by doing that, I open up the possibility that they go after someone else that I deeply care about and I'm just tired of it.  I'm tired of hiding but I'm also tired of the fake faces.   Just tell me who you are.   I don't want to guess.  I'm not an audience member and this is not some high art play about the importance of beauty.   This is real life and it shouldn't be as complicated.

I guess the moral of this story is that being an adult blows.   Especially when you realize you can't just tell the bully in your life to go blow some hot air out their ass.   Person X has ceased being important in my life and if they don't want to be their for the defining moments, I don't care.   I have plenty of family and friends who love me just the way I am and couldn't be happier to be at the moments that will make my lifetime up.  Person X, don't be surprised when you're not invited to my awesome wedding.   If you don't accept me now, you'll never accept me when I'm married to a great man or woman of my choosing.   Have a nice life.

It feels good to say it.   If only for a second and with vague details surrounding it.   I'm me and that's all I'll ever hope to be.