So I've been thinking a lot about identity lately and it got me to thinking who am I? I mean I know all of the physical attributes that make me who I am, but who am I really? At my very core? I think this in large part has to do with two major books that I've been reading. One is called Inside Joss's Dollhouse: From Alpha to Rossum edited by Jane Espenson and John Green's touching novel, The Fault in Our Stars. Now normally these books wouldn't really have anything to do with each other, but in my case they did.
I took TFiOS really hard. Like punch in the stomach so hard that my lungs filled with air and were reminded that they liked the taste of air hard. And I can tell you, just like I told you in my reviews of TFiOS previously have stated because it made me think about my young life. How I've been blessed with the kind of miracle that some people never get, but indeed is a miracle that increased the number of my days, I just don't know to what capacity. It gave me a few more infinities. Now, how you deal with yourself and your life as a sick person and maybe especially as a sick child is important. Having epilepsy was certainly a strain on some of my childhood but it definitely wasn't the only thing that kept me in the hospital. And as someone who has had continual miracles with the ideals of modern medicine, it's so easy to imagine it going the other way.
I often get up thinking about how it could have gone the other way. I like being alive and I like wondering about my identity and often even crazier things than that, but let's face it, I've had a lot of miracles. To count just some of the many miracles, I survived childhood epilepsy, two cases of pneumonia in the third grade alone, and had my tonsils taken out when I was three or so because they were enlarged to the size of an eighteen year old male's. Those are just a few of my miracles. I mean where would I be if I didn't have the choices I have now? I mean I have to stay away from strobe lights because they make me dizzy and stuff and in general make the rest of me go funny. I also know something else could happen. I haven't had one in a really long time, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid of dying and reading has made me confront that.
And then there's the mental part which I was confronted with in Inside Joss's Dollhouse. I am one person. I have one body and in general one disposition at any given point. This is true enough. The question I ask myself though, because I often muse on it about other people is, am I many personalities? Now, I want to clarify, I have no issue with people with any kind of mental disorder, but I am not talking about one. I am not talking about multiple personalities. I am talking about many personalities. And often times when I ask this about myself the answer is simple, yes. But it's not that simple. Because if it were that simple, then it wouldn't be interesting and we all know the yes/no question is kind of a boring one. I often ask myself what these personalities are and who they bear to and how long I've had each and why I came up with them in the first place. These are all very interesting questions. And I bet many of you have kind of thought about this too. I am a daughter, a student, a tutor, a friend, a vlogger, a blogger, a reader, a writer, and a stranger in some cases. And that's not even all of my personalities. Obviously, I am one person with one body and one mind, but how often do we not tell everyone we know everything? How often do we not feel guilty about that? It's not bad and it's not even strange necessarily. We all do it. We just call it something else.
I picked that question today because I was standing in the hot shower and thinking what is my name? I have a given name. A real life, my parents gave it to me name. I like it, but I don't often use it on the internet, because it feels funny. On the internet, I carved my own persona as I was starting to waddle my way through puberty and into adulthood and upon that I came across roleplaying sites which are excellent for my writing as they give me what I need to be inspired. For a long time, I never really took a permanent name, I just lifted the first name off my character. Until I stumbled upon one that stuck, Nina. Now, this is kind of a diminutive of my actual name, but it became symbolic of my change. Because by choosing that name, I created something powerful. By literally, seperating myself into the virtual presence and then my real life, I compartmentalized and in the process started two separate but equally fulfilling personalities, having thoughts and dreams with one section of my life that sometimes did not mesh with the other part of my life. Still, it was all part of the entire me and in the end, I'm no closer to the answer than I am to solving cold fusion but at least I thought about it. Because some people don't even take the time to do that.
DFTBA darling,
Nina and Her BloggedLife <3
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