Novel Excerpt: Novel As of Yet Untitled

Okay, so let me tell you a little bit about this, it's an excerpt of my novel as the title suggests and the basic rundown is that it is about a woman caught in the middle of three love stories that kind of collide into each other.  This is one of the really sad moments.

I was determined to make that day more productive with everyone. I wanted everyone to be a little bit happier and I tried to do that. No one really noticed. Jon was distracted by his damn phone all day and it was driving me crazy. I didn't say anything. I didn't want to set things off again. God, it was really hard though.

When I came home and saw Don though, he didn't really want to do anything either. He was either busy researching or doing some work. I wasn't even sure where they had gone, but they certainly left me behind.

I let it go on for a few days like that, until I was just done with it. I was done with them both. I was done with the way they were treating me and how this was coming out. I was not someone they could idly toss away like a gum wrapper. I knew that I would have to do something drastic with each of them. Jon was fairly easy. I would just not go to work. Don was a little harder to plan for because I had never really wanted to get his attention this badly. I didn't know what worked on him. I would have to find it.

So on Friday, I didn't go into work. Donovan looked a little confused when he left for work. He didn't ask but he knew something was up.

My normal time for being at Jon's came and went. He called and I didn't answer. This was the way things had to be, I told myself. You have to keep up this or he won't get it. He facebooked and I deleted the messages. He DMed on twitter and I didn't bother. I had to cut him off from everything. Eventually he would come around. He stopped everything for awhile. I could tell he was trying to work without me. It lasted than it normally did, but that wasn't really surprising to me. He had built up some tolerance for being on his own but he would come around.

I did other things while he tried to work. I watched television. I cooked lunch for myself. I put my hair up. I looked up actors. Anything to not give into the urge to go to him. It was always like this. It was a battle but I would do it. I would do it.

At about Four in the Afternoon, my doorbell rang. I fluffed up the pillows and arranged them perfectly and let it wait for a minute.

The ringing became more incessant and I smiled. I went over and opened the door and he just walked on in. I had won. I had won. He was over here. He couldn't stand it. “What the hell is wrong?” He asked, a little angry but I tried not to let it hurt. I knew it was for the best. I knew that this was what he needed. He only yelled and he was only angry because he cared about me.

“What's wrong? You mean beside you and Don completely acting like I'm not even here? Besides that there's nothing wrong.” I told him.

He looked hurt. “I don't do that.” He admonished.

“Yes, you do, Jon. You were so distracted with your phone yesterday that you didn't even care what I had to say. I know because during that time you promised to take me and Don to the eiffel tower.” I told him.

“What?” He asked.

I shook my head, “That's exactly my point. You didn't even care. I need to be able to give myself over to you and if you're not going to listen to me, I'm not going to come to work. You knew that this was coming.” I told him.

“What happened with you and Don?” He asked.

I didn't want to talk about that with him, not right now, “Babe, I love you, I want you to know that, but Don and I right now is something completely different than me and you. And right now, I'm dealing with you, so we're not talking about it.”

“Look, I'm sorry for the phone thing, I'll try to stop.” He said.

That made me angry. He wasn't even going to give me a straight answer. “Look, this isn't about trying this, is about actually stopping. Who were you texting or whatever anyway?” I asked.

He looked like he might lie to me for a minute. I didn't even want to hear that kind of thing, “Look, Jill, it's not that simple.”

“How is it not that simple? I asked you a simple question. Who are you texting that's taking time away from our work time? That's a simple question with a simple answer.” Why couldn't he even tell me what I wanted to know. Why couldn't we get to the bottom of this? That's all I wanted. So we could work together in awesome harmony together again.

“I can't tell you. You'll get mad.” He said.

“I'm more mad that you won't tell me than whoever it could possibly be. So why don't you just spit it out?”

“Fine, but don't say I didn't warn you.”

“Fine.”

He looked at me like he still wasn't sure. God, this killed. I wasn't even sure I could handle it, “I've been texting Jayne. She's really nervous and she likes having someone she can talk to. She's just been hard on her luck lately, Jill.”

I just sat there and blinked at him. He wasn't telling me something. And it was killing our relationship. That phone and Jayne and all of it was killing our relationship. “It's not just that she's nervous.” I told him. I didn't even ask.

“No, technically not.”

I was furious and up to my eyeballs in the “technically” crap from everyone. I was done with it.

“Just cut the crap, tell me the truth Jon. You know as well as I do, I'm not dumb and I know something is going with you” I shouted.

“I'm sleeping with her. We're dating.” He said. It was like a slap in the face.

“Get out.”

“What?” he asked. He didn't even know what was happening.

“You heard me. Get. Out.” I didn't even look at him.

“You've got to be kidding me Jill,” He said. I didn't even want him in here. I wanted him gone. I wanted to cry. I wanted him to just understand that this was a lot to go through right now.

“You can't even telling me that you're dating her before you ignore me. Get. Out. Of. My. House.” I said as a lone tear streamed down my face. It couldn't even wait.

“Jill,” He said and he tried to make it up. I couldn't even take it.

“Go. Away.”

I never understood what people meant about being heartbroken until that day. Donovan didn't come home until late and I was wrapped up in our comforter, tear tracks stained on my face, eyes red and puffy, and he didn't say anything.

That was when he started figuring things out. Something was wrong.

I didn't even want to get out of bed the next day. I didn't want to go to work. So I didn't. Donovan brought me coffee. I didn't drink it. I didn't do anything. I just kind of stayed there in my caccoon and cried and ate a little bit.

He didn't call, didn't text, didn't facebook, didn't twitter, didn't email, didn't come over.

Part of me was upset with how pathetic this looked, but I hurt and I couldn't even find the will to get very far. I got my computer and started writing again. I did what I had to do. I kept emails short and impersonal when sending them to Jonathan. He did the same. We were detached from each other. We didn't even look like we cared.

Beda: Day 28: Seeing Sissy.

I loved Today.   Today was a good day in so many ways.

The biggest being that I got to see my sister.   My sister who is in AIT and can't stay over for a weekend likes to hand out with us still and I'm just lucky to have her.   She likes to do things with me and it was just glorious.   Due to respect to her, I didn't  film anything in the day, but it was so cool.  

We got lunch, did some shopping, went to get coldstone, did some more shopping and then came back home and ate dinner and watched a bit of TV together.   Sounds like a freaking awesome day I know.   You wish you were living my life. 

But in all seriousness, that was probably one of the first times that I've been out of the house for something that wasn't school related in a long time.   and i'm just so stinking glad I got out of the house.   it was one of those things, like cleaning, that I had been putting off for a long time and finally did and realized how much easier life would have been if I had done that a whole lot sooner.   All reinvorgorated and stuff.

So yeah, that was my day and now after walking around so much my leg hurts and I'm tired but I wouldn't change it for the world.   Because it's what I wanted and what Needed.   Anyone telling me otherwise is wrong.

Beda: Day 13: A Love Story.

I fell in love and all at once.   Now, that's kind of a bold thing to say about another person.  I mean people are fickle creatures but there are other things that it makes sense to say such dramatic phrases about it. Like the art of Drama.  See what I did there?   Yeah, that's kind of my thing.   So I hoped you liked it. 

But I actually mean it.  I fell in love and all at once.  And I do this quite a lot with fiction.   I find something in it and I fall hopelessly in love with the idea.   It's what makes any type of story no matter what the medium matter.  You have to love it.   And love doesn't necessarily mean like it.   You can love a play and not like it.   You can "not love" the message, but it has to stir as great an emotion as love.   There's no two ways about it.   If it doesn't do that, then it's just meh and no one wants to be remembered as meh.  In fact no one is, because meh doesn't get a whole lot of talk.

Tonight's acquisiton of love was with Cabaret and all the performances.  Now, as needing to see the show anyway, it wasn't like anyone forced my hand to see the show.   In fact, even if I hadn't needed to see I would have wanted to and made the time to come.   Many of my friends were in the production and well, I want to support them.   But above all that, they are professionals.   They are actors who love the stage and the act of performance and they gave a stand up act. 

That's something I really haven't seen. The Stand-up act.   This is a show that everyone stood for at the end because it was beautifully done.   It was skillfully executed and your heart broke with characters.   You knew what was happening and you felt it in your bones.   It wasn't just an act.  It was a real and that's the best thing that a performance can do.  It can make you feel the realness of the situation.

And with it, I give my heart gladly.   There was so much to talk about.   And I would reccomend that anyone see a production if they can.   It's something important.  It made me sad to hear the chatter around me that people didn't know it was about Nazis.  I was pretty sure everyone knew that much.   Or at least that they might have the decency to look a few things up before they came to the show.   But I won't  complain too much because the theatre was full and everyone stood.   That is all I can wish.   And I know that the Theatre is still alive and kickin' no matter what Hollywood has to say about it. 

There will always be theatre.   There will always be the people who go to Theatre productions and for that, I can only say thank you.   It's a magical place that I hope everyone has a chance to see something from at least once in their lives.   Because it's something that just old people do.   It's something that people do because they have a love of a performance.   And love creates love.

Beda: Day 8: The Little Moments Theory.

Okay, so I'm going to do this in segments because today has just been too awesome for words and I know that if I try to do it all in one take tonight, I will miss something important, so here we go.   I'm doing something for you guys and attempting this one earlier.   See already, on a good start with my beda challenges.   That's some good stuff.

I haven't talked about it here because I assume anyone who knows about me, knows me from my video blogs and that's something I take pride in.   I really like the video blogs and I remember to tell them everything.   One thing, I haven't told you guys around here who read this if you even do, is that my amazing sister who is going to AIT in the city but has not bee able to come home got to come to the house today.   And I couldn't be more excited.   We thought that she was only going to be here for the evening for the dinner and stuff but no, instead it was much more than that.   She came over at like 11 and cooked for us.

Now, I'm a sucker for food anyway but this was just amazing.   Really just delicious.  She wanted to cook and she did it and it was soooooo good.   I don't even care that in my editor I have a red squiggly under that so.   It was that good.   She made french toast and I was just in Heaven.   So far that's all that's happened but there will be more.   Right now, I'm just taking it easy, knowing she's here and knowing that very soon we will have my dad home for two weeks and it'll just be good.

And there was the inbetween lunch/dinner.   We do this kind of frequently at my house around the holidays mainly because all of us are hungry and it gives us more time to socialize and be together as a family/friends.   But yeah, that was Lasagna, my mom's homemade and it was freaking amazing.   It always is, but it was freaking amazing.   God, I love food so much.   And this just all around turned out to be such a wonderful day that I can't even really explain it all to you, but it was just delicious and succulent in a way that most of us can at least on some level understand.

Today was a reaffirmation of the little moments theory.   It's the little things that count.   Like sitting aorund a dinner table and making fun of each other or telling stories or ghoulish nightmares or even showing photos and sharing candy.   If someone told me I could go back and relive this day and go anywhere in the world to do it, I wouldn't.  I liked it just the way it was.  It was perfect even if it really wasn't.

Beda: Day 7: It's been a week.

It's been a week and what a week it has been.   I've talked about a lot of things on this blog, but not really how well the blog is going.   So I guess that's what I'll talk about today because that just seems kind of chill and whatnot.  And I'm always down for chill.   I hope you guys are too.   But since I can't see you and this is my blog, guess what?   Going on with it anyway.

One of the things I've noticed is that I've done these pretty much all late at night, making sure I have something interesting to say to you guys.   I mean I think I may have put my Team Youtube one up a little bit earlier, but not much.  It was still evening when that one went up if it went up earlier than the night because that's how I roll.   I mean I just want to make sure that I capture everything for you guys and this is something that I strive to do.   So I want to make it as good as possible.   But that also means a lot of other things.

Like the potential that I could forget one of these and then lose my challenges, which I don't think so.  Not going to happen.   So yeah, next week my challenge is to get at least two blogs up earlier than evening no later than Day 14.   Maybe we'll make that a habit.   These little challenges keep me motivated to do better and to find more time to write and stuff in my daily life.   Because I'm here for you guys but I'm also here for me.   And what I need is to find some greater confidence about these blogs.

I know not many people, if any people at all read my blogs.   They would much rather watch me on the vlogs, but still this is who I am.  I want to do this so that maybe someone stumbles across this blog and for one second I make their life better.  If that happens, I will have done my job.   So anything to keep it new and fresh and entertaining because entertaining is a whole new ball game for me but something I want to enjoy. 

These have been fairly long though and that's something I'm proud of.   I'm writing because I want to write and that's who I am.   Not because I just thought it would be fun to do a challenge.   No, I really did want to challenge myself and make new content across several fields that weren't getting as much content.   And it's a full job running all of these things but I'm glad I'm doing it.   I'm glad I'm having a good time and doing as much as I can. 

Ulitmately, I'm feeling strong about how little time it takes if you just plan some stuff out and have the confidence to go through with it.  I never thought I would be doing a week's worth of vlogs consecutively but here I am.  I'm growing stronger.   And I hope to keep it going for the next three weeks and three days.

Beda: Day 5: Team YouTube

Today for me has been all about Team YouTube.  

I'm aware that some of you might not be aware of what that is.   It's the first season of the new series, Escape Routes, which is a reality show on NBC.   It's all about social media in the modern world and uses that to actually affect the outcomes of the show.

Now, as you guys know, I'm a YouTuber.   I'm a vlogger.   And I very much stand behind the people who christened themselves from the start "Team YouTube," Brett and Ross.   They are so awesome.  Literally there are not enough words in our language for me to espouse their greatness.  It's just awesome.   And it helps that they are so nice and try to answer as much as possible.

Today, I woke up thinking about Team YouTube because it's just great, it finds so much freedom.   It has things that are literally just blowing my mind.   But the biggest thing about Team YouTube is how quickly they got people to rally and how quickly we are to form the community.   That's the great thing about this.   It takes our great community aspect and throws it into making the best team it possibly can and see how they measure up.

It shows that YouTube isn't just that crazy corporate thing that it is portrayed as.  It's still us.   We're still in it to win it.   We love it and we are the ones who define it with our community.   They didn't win the challenge and so the prize did not go to our community but they did get the fastest times on the social media bit and it was just phenomenal.   I couldn't believe it.   Being part of this is being part of a family.

It's challenging to love people so quickly, but facillitating the exchange of thoughts and ideas makes it so much easier, especially when you can see people's faces.   It provides so much in this digital age to connect to.   If Brett and Ross don't personify that I don't know what does.

Beda: Day 3: Compliments and Hard Work

With my latest blog post about how i've been horribly procrastinating on my assignment which is do tomorrow, I've become a little more confident in things.   I've done some beautiful work in the past twenty four hours, typing reviews and printing articles like a boss. 

Honestly, I think I needed someone to be responsible to.   I know it seems weird, but since I posted that blog I've had that feeling of "someone will be disappointed in me if I don't do this." and so I've done it.  I knew I needed to do it before and I even knew that the deadline was tomorrow, I just didn't do it.   Not until I really set myself up to do it.  Which meant telling the entire world about what I haven't done yet.   And yes, I'm a little bit ashamed of myself for having to stoop to that level, but it gave me the encouragement I needed.  

Now, I've got twenty-five articles done with just five more to go to review.   Compared to the fact that none were done before this week, I put that in the plus column.   I can do things that I don't like to do, I just have to work harder at them and have the inspiration to do them.   Which is why I love the internet sooo much.   I pretty much live here and you guys are my roommates ready to call me out on not doing my shit.   Because you won't take it.  People want to see the best for me.   And that's what I get just from writing these little BEDA blogs on the internet.

On a more positive note of schoolworthy things, I got my critique back from my professor in acting for my shakespeare monologue.   Let me first preface this whole paragraph with the fact that I've known this man for three semesters and he makes me want to be better.   I've always taken what he says to heart.   I like his feedback, I think it's insightful.   Most of all, I just respect him so much.   He gave me the best review he's given me.   And anything else just vanished.   All the crap I dealt with during the day, it just went out into the universe because he cared about my work and liked it.   And he's a teacher that I know wouldn't just blow smoke at me because he thinks it would make me feel better.   He really is committed to seeing all of his actors do their best work.

School is one of those things I find so enamouring.   I find the idea that I can learn so many new skill sets just a wonder.   I want to learn as much as I possibly can and it makes me feel like the absolute best to be in a class with people who care.   So far, I've been very lucky in that I've met people and had classes that I really truly cared about.   There was one class that was hard and I didn't really care about, but it was the exception to the rule.  I find that I might be the only person I know who shares that opinion of school.   There is so much to explore and learn out there, why wouldn't you want to have that knowledge?  With so many things to do, why not try them all?

Quote Analysis: "To live is to act and much good is done"

I have this saying on my Skype message "To live is to act and much good is done" to most it doesn't mean anything.   I'm an actor, of course I would put this little saying I thought up on my Skype, but it becomes interesting when you think about what acting really is.  

Acting is not just performed on stage or screen by pretty people.   We all act everyday.   We don't show our full selves to everyone.   There are times when we bite our tongue to save our jobs.   This is all acting and it's something that everyone does.   Even I, who try my damnedest to be honest, maybe to the point of brutality, doing this in my normal life.

So literally it is what it means, to live, to breathe is to sometimes to put on a damn good [or bad] show.   And it's something that I don't take very lightly.   We all have that in us.  We're all actors.  We're all leads in our personal movies and some people treat themselves like an extra.   They don't even treat themselves as a supporting actor in their own film.   They label themselves in the massive sea of faces.  And we are all special whether people want to tell us that or not.   I'm saying it, you, yes you who is reading this, you are special.  

So we've gone over the point in the quote "to live is to act...," and that would seem to be simple enough, but there is a second part to my quote.   "...and much good is done,"  it might not surprise you that I'm an optimist, but this doesn't refer to my personal belief.   It refers to the first part of the quote.   When we act, we are thinking of others feelings.  Either not hurting feelings of those that are in charge or close to us or we do something nice for someone and we don't want them to know.   Much good refers to what we put out into the world by keeping some things private and maybe telling lies to tell the truth. And it's done everyday.   It's done without thought and often times it couldn't be better said that we love it.

So to live is to privatize our live, to tell certain people lies so that they see certain truths about something or someone and by doing that we bring much happiness to ourselves and other people.   No one notices that it's wrong to act and that's because it's not.  living is acting and we all have our screen or our stage and we all have the audience we play into.  People see what they want and that is the good done in the world.   It's hopeful, but it's also complicated to live this life.  That's what's so fun about it though.  How dull would life be if everyone in my life knew everything about me?

The John Green Spectacular

Okay, so first I just have to get this into words, because I'm living in the moment and the moment is awesome.   As some of you may have heard through the grapevine, I went to Austin to go to the Tour De Nerdfighting Stop and I have so much to tell you.

First of all, I met a lot of new Texas Nerdfighters.   The event was huge.   There were over 1000 guests and that didn't include the staff of Book People who had so generously donated their time that they could working with their families or something, but came to oversee this whole event.   There were just people in every direction and they were so nice.  I, often and usually out of the blue, got complimented on my t-shirt which was just freaking awesome.   I've never had that happen so often in my life.   Like I would walk around and people would be like cool shirt and I would just try to stand there and not look like the biggest asshole on the planet for not knowing who this person is.  

Then there was the actual event which was just stunning.   There were songs which I knew most of the words to and could actually sing back to an artist.   And then there was Hank and John Green.   Who look and sound exactly as they do in their vlogs.   I mean it's stunning how kind of real they've become to me.    And it's not necessarily now that they are out of reach.   Because they aren't.   I always feel like I'll have a closer relationship to them than I will of another celebrity, like for instance, Eliza Dushku.   And they were just people on a stage having the time of their lives which I adored.  

These people have inspired me so much in the last six months that it's impossible not to talk about them when I tell you my story.  All my creative endeavors have been somehow shaped most recently by them, one of which includes finishing an actual honest to goodness book.   I mean these people are big deals in my life.

Most of all, it reminded me why I became a part of this community anyway, because people didn't judge when I was unironically so irrationally happy that I was between a squeak of laughter and straight out crying.  People liked it.   They embraced me for who I was.   Just a normal girl.   Seeing them made my day.   Honestly, it probably made my month.   And I'm not ashamed of that.   This was something that so few have experienced that I was glad to be a part of that.

With all the songs played out and all the book read and all the questions answered and even though there were a thousand other people there, it still seemed very intimate, like this was something that they kept hidden from people who didn't come to these things and I was glad to experience that.   I can't say exactly why it was special.   Honestly, if it weren't for who they were, it probably wouldn't have been that special but it was.   And I just needed to say out loud.