Experiencing a Moment

Some experiences take a long time and some happen all at once.  It's this brilliant way of being human that is so fantastic and so incredibly strange, but in all of its glory, very very beautiful.

It's not that I've never noticed this before.  I notice it all the time, but somehow today, it seems worth talking about.  Maybe it's because I've had so many experiences today that I've generally been truly grateful for.  

I've gotten to go and see a great person and share my stories.  I've gotten retweeted by someone I care about their opinions.  I've gotten to see one of the nicest and cleanest roadside stops on probably this face of the planet.  These are all really kind of instant things but they've all built from little things in me.   They've all built up from a string of incidents in my life.

The stories are something I'm proud of, but I don't want to share them with my family.  I think I'm scared of their judgment because I like them.  This is my talent and I like it too.   I mean there are these two things that I want so much for people to like and it's just hard blending those two things together. 

Getting to share those stories with soemone who cared, it might be something to take the chance on.  Maybe I should just email them to her and get her opinion.  I don't know how they are right now and who knows maybe she has some inspiring piece of story to help me along in my career.

With the idea that I've got someone who I like replying to me on twitter, I've liked a lot of things.  I like people.  I like things.   And I've gotten into a crazy world that I adore.  And I've met people I adore through it.  So when someone new and good comes into this circle, it's great.  As an actor, he's wonderful and seeing him vlog was just something amazing, it's a little piece of what I like in people. 

And I feel I need to tell people that I care.  I love people.   They need to know that their work is flourishing and the idea that comment made an impact makes me smile.  I've never wanted anything in my life other than to make comments that matter and/or touch people in a personal way.

That cleanest rest stop, well, let's just say i've seen walmarts smaller than it.  It's a place where people are connected by this crazy idea that they're all going somewhere.  They are all meeting family or friends or going to a new place and it's all just everyone is connected by this strange happiness.  It's happiness is reflected in it's ability to defy all expectations of rest stops and be bright and shiny.

Maybe we've all been exactly where I am now.  Maybe we haven't.  All I know is that life is crazy and complicated and beautiful in ways that I've never expected and that makes it fun.  Life is always worth living, even if someone tells you otherwise.  Maybe especially then.  Enjoy the experience and the ride because it's all crazy but no one gets to make your artwork.  You have that job.  Make it what you want to be.   And mine, well it's bright colors and wonderful pattern. 

Love Ya,
Nina x

Thoughts on Resolutions

Hi darlings,
 It's me again. I know, I haven't been keeping very good track of what I'm doing and I'm genuinely sorry for that. Now, I will try to update you guys at least once a week with the various comings and goings of my week.

I've realized very recently...like today recently, that I'm very nearly done with my new year's resolutions. I had three very specific ones and they're all very close to me. I wanted to read more, so I set myself the challenge of 15 books for the year. That way I wouldn't be too burdened during the school months and stress myself out more but I was actively seeking books to read and finding myself in a good place. I think I'm about three off that score. I'm about a fourth of the way through another book and have a couple rereads that I want to go through. So all in all, that should be done by the time I go back into school in the fall.

The next goal I set for myself is to write a novel this year. Well, that looks like it is rapidly approaching completion because I've started Camp NaNoWriMo. I'm now about 42K words into the whole thing and about 21K into my actual NaNoWriMo part of that. Which means I'm about half way done with nano part. This makes me super excited because seriously, it took me the first twenty years of my life to write a full length novel and now I've almost written two of them. That's a freaking craziness. By the time I reach twenty one, I could have written almost three novels. That just totally blows my mind away. It makes me so proud.

The other one I haven't really done is getting through all of the vlogbrothers videos and make Nerdfighter Challenge videos on it. Even then, I got through the first year which was probably a very good chunk of them. About 200 or so videos. So I'm pretty happy about all that.

The thing about all of these things is that I would have never gotten them done any other year. I never would have had the willpower. Being in college made me different yes, but more than that, meeting these people, these internet people, who inspire me everyday to do better has helped me so much. It makes me want to be a better person. It makes me want to achieve my dreams. And I'm so proud of that. People give the internet a pretty bad kind of name, but I love it so much. I love the people I get to see everyday because of this great technology.

So since it's June and it's the halfway point in the year, how do you think you are doing on your new year's resolutions? any outstanding progress? if so, what's it attributed to? and if not, why do you think that is? I mean it's a marathon, that's true but sometimes it feels so good just to get that sprint out of the way, that you don't know what it was like just going so slowly. You want to feel that floating sensation everyday.

DFTBA darlings,
Nina x

Beda: Day 30: Thoughts from the end.

So this is the last Blog in a row for BEDA but there's a lot going on.   I want to do a lot and this blog was certainly one of the best things that I've done in a long time.  Doing a bunch of creative projects at the same time, while having to deal with pesky things like finals and family.

Still in the place that I've been put in, I can't say I'm not glad to have it be done with the whole thing.  I mean I've been having some trouble keeping up with the whole thing.   I want to just sleep and relax a little and while not doing the blog for a couple of days might let me do that, it's more about the fact that I'm going to be done very soon with the finals and things.

It is really nice having this blog though to record my voice and thoughts.   It'll be nice to get back to it eventually.   Hopefully, it won't be too long before I get back to it.   Because enjoyment is the spice of life and I'm getting it from doing this.   Even just typing the words on the keyboard gives me some joy.  

I haven't been especially creative this month in anything else other than vlogging and blogging and doing the photo, but I'm doing it.   I'm figuring it out and I think that's all I can ask for.   Just to have it work out.

I hope anyone out there reading this is doing well.   Keep it going and show some love to someone you think could use it.   Because who knows, you could very well make that person's and it's something beautiful.

Living is something that's hard enough, but when we get bogged down with all the crap, it's very hard to see the great things staring us in the face.   And while I'm in that place bogged down with all the crap, it's getting easier to see through the fog.   Being tough is not necessarily my way of life, but it is something I try to do whenever I can.

Beda: Day 28: Seeing Sissy.

I loved Today.   Today was a good day in so many ways.

The biggest being that I got to see my sister.   My sister who is in AIT and can't stay over for a weekend likes to hand out with us still and I'm just lucky to have her.   She likes to do things with me and it was just glorious.   Due to respect to her, I didn't  film anything in the day, but it was so cool.  

We got lunch, did some shopping, went to get coldstone, did some more shopping and then came back home and ate dinner and watched a bit of TV together.   Sounds like a freaking awesome day I know.   You wish you were living my life. 

But in all seriousness, that was probably one of the first times that I've been out of the house for something that wasn't school related in a long time.   and i'm just so stinking glad I got out of the house.   it was one of those things, like cleaning, that I had been putting off for a long time and finally did and realized how much easier life would have been if I had done that a whole lot sooner.   All reinvorgorated and stuff.

So yeah, that was my day and now after walking around so much my leg hurts and I'm tired but I wouldn't change it for the world.   Because it's what I wanted and what Needed.   Anyone telling me otherwise is wrong.

Beda: Day 22: Video Editing.

Well today was interesting.   I filmed a video at two thirtyish and didn't really want to edit.    And for me that's kind of an alarming sign.   Because I like editing videos.  I'm not very good at it.  I'm quite frankly, probably terrible at editing, but I do like do it.  I like having that time with a video to make it good.   And Not wanting to make it good and not even caring to edit, means I'm not that interested in the raw materials which is worrisome. 

Honestly, I didn't want to edit that video because I didn't like it.  I had no passion for it.  It didn't have my voice.   There was nothing really said in it.   That's a problem.   I did however, watch some YouTube videos by people I really like and one of my friends posted how she didn't feel like her video self the past couple of days.   And that inspired my video.   My video was taking my two lives and kind of conceding that I had them.   It's not that I never talked about my personal life on a video, it's just that there was the weird in between space that I was slipping into.

And out of that, even though I had to distort the color and find ways to make it look better, where you could see my whole face, I really enjoyed the video.   Maybe it wasn't the best sound or video editing, but I did like the video and that's really important to me.   I want to put out products that I like and I want to keep watching again and again.   And in those moments in that video I was very real.  I was the person that I wanted to be.

So the video was a success.   In other news, I haven't done any editing of the novel today.  I should probably edit chapter 3 before bed.    I'm going to do that.   Editing the book is a treat even if it is abnormally long to do so.   I just think there's so much potential for this book to go places.   I don't know if there is another book on the market like it, but I love it.   I love it.  I love that I spent so much time writing it.   And even then, to most people thirty days is nothing.  To me that's a commitment that I don't take lightly in the slightest.   And I like month long challenges.  It makes it easier to manage.   I can tick off days.

I mean look at what we've done here.   Blogs this month make up over half of this blog and I'm proud of that.  I don't know if I'll keep up daily blogging, but I'm certainly going to try.  This is freeing and this is also part of who I am.   I'm a writer through and through and if I didn't write how my day went everyday, where would I be? I don't know, but I certainly love doing it.

And with that, I think I'm going to go.  I still have another page of a paper I have to write as well as getting some sources down.   Don't worry though, I'll be back tomorrow and you'll have a grand ol' time.   Go put on some music and dance.

Beda: Day 19: The Problem With Person X.

It's early in the morning and we need to talk.   This is something that I would never put on the video blog because this is for the people who really want a deeper perspective on me and this is not something I would really ever share on my video blog.  I've had someone very recently come up, I won't tell you their relation to me or call them by their name because who knows who could be reading this out there, so for now, I want to tell you about person X.   Person X has been in my life for a long time but never really a part of it. 

My problem with Person X is that they don't really seem to care about me.   They don't seem to care about my feelings or interests and due to the somewhat forced bond we have, it's hard to just cut X out of my life completely.   That's what I want to do though.   This person has made no effort to understand who I am as a person.   X doesn't care if they hurt my family members with the way they use their words.  And they just generally have no idea with what's going on in my life.

Normally, if this was anyone else, I wouldn't care.   X, it would seem, is different because they can make the people around me feel inadequate and I'm just I want to be done with it.   We're never going to have the relationship that we should and so I should just be able to drop it, shouldn't I?  I mean there's nothing wrong with people who don't want to be friends and/or family to me.   I'm cool with that.  I don't have to have everyone like me.   What seems to be the problem is that I'm kind of bowing to social pressure by having this relationship with Person X in the first place.

In an ideal world, I could tell Person X to fuck off with their bullshit, that I live my life they way I want to and if they disapprove then they can go marry a squirrel for all I care.  I know that would hurt a lot more people than just Person X though.   Because unfortunately, by doing that, I open up the possibility that they go after someone else that I deeply care about and I'm just tired of it.  I'm tired of hiding but I'm also tired of the fake faces.   Just tell me who you are.   I don't want to guess.  I'm not an audience member and this is not some high art play about the importance of beauty.   This is real life and it shouldn't be as complicated.

I guess the moral of this story is that being an adult blows.   Especially when you realize you can't just tell the bully in your life to go blow some hot air out their ass.   Person X has ceased being important in my life and if they don't want to be their for the defining moments, I don't care.   I have plenty of family and friends who love me just the way I am and couldn't be happier to be at the moments that will make my lifetime up.  Person X, don't be surprised when you're not invited to my awesome wedding.   If you don't accept me now, you'll never accept me when I'm married to a great man or woman of my choosing.   Have a nice life.

It feels good to say it.   If only for a second and with vague details surrounding it.   I'm me and that's all I'll ever hope to be.

Beda: Day 18: An Inspirational Quote.

Okay, so I'm going to make this one kind of quick, not that I don't love the blog, it's just that I've got like four other things to do and right now, I don't really have anything interesting to say.  

Basically, I wrote my paper which I need to get from my paper and I need to go get a shower and do the picture for today, and that will take some incredible time.  So for these reasons, I think I will impart on you, at least for now at this very juncture, a quote from a great person on twitter.

"You came from a woman, so you have no right to disrespect one." -- AyyLucky

Now, I will tell you that this quote is incredible because it came from a dude.  I mean I love dudes.  I find them hilarious, but seriously?  That's freaking amazing.  And it wasn't a retweet, that was all him and just it blows my mind whenever people do something like this, that restores a little faith in humanity.   Because there are people out there who know what's right and will keep fighting for it, even if it's not going to benefit them in any way!

Beda: Day 16: A Rage Within?

Okay, so I've changed my background.   And to be quite honest, I'm not sure if I'm happy with it.  I mean I like the color of it, but I don't know, maybe it's the pattern or how there is not a lot of color in it, that's not agreeing with me.  But I'm not totally in favor of it.   But I did want something that was new and different and for now, that seems to be circles.   Tell me if you hate it, please?  Because if you hate it then I'll change it right away, but for right now, I guess it can stay.   Maybe I'll get used to it and like it for awhile.   I'll give it about till day 20 in BEDA and if I'm still not impressed then we're going to be changing, how about that?

So today, I got to play with clay which is one of the most thrilling experiences I've had in College.   Like I've met a lot of cool people and learned a lot of really neat things but really, none of that comes with the thrill factor of getting to work with some clay.   I mean I just love it.   I find it to be really relaxing and soothing and knowing what i'm doing is always a plus.  That's always fun.   I really enjoy that part. 

Mondays and Wednesdays are my very artistic days.   I go from Stage Makeup to Dance class which I currently just kind of watch, because of my bummed out leg, and then I go to Anthropology in which we are doing a facial reconstruction which starts out very artistically.   And so I do enjoy that part of my week.   It's very fulfilling to sit there and go to class and just have my mind exploded with all of this art.  Because ultimately that's what I want to do with my life is to create some kind of art.   I've said it before but it really can't be overstated.  I want to come out of somewhere and go that's what I want to do everyday and that's never happened if it hasn't been for my art.

Tomorrow I have to wear a skirt or a dress.   I'm still debating.  I was supposed to decide tonight but obviously that didn't happen.   I wish it had, but I can't exactly beg for anything.   Still, I just hope my partner knows her lines and everything goes smoothly.   Seriously, I might get violent if it doesn't because I worked really hard on this scene for it to be wasted by another person.   That's just not going to happen.   I won't let it.   I refuse to let someone sink my ship.   And maybe she had a good reason for bailing on me, but I can't really ever see that when she had more than enough oppurtunities to schedule with me, but didn't.   And yes, I was a little bit of a bitch and didn't answer her text today, but I was legitimately in class and that's exactly what I'm going to tell her tomorrow.   She doesn't like, she can suck it.

Oh and this was nearly late, because I almost forgot about it, but hey it's all good now right?  Because I got to you guys and you guys got a nice long slightly rant-y diatribe about what's happening in my life.   Sorry bout that.  Maybe it'll be different tomorrow.

Beda: Day 13: A Love Story.

I fell in love and all at once.   Now, that's kind of a bold thing to say about another person.  I mean people are fickle creatures but there are other things that it makes sense to say such dramatic phrases about it. Like the art of Drama.  See what I did there?   Yeah, that's kind of my thing.   So I hoped you liked it. 

But I actually mean it.  I fell in love and all at once.  And I do this quite a lot with fiction.   I find something in it and I fall hopelessly in love with the idea.   It's what makes any type of story no matter what the medium matter.  You have to love it.   And love doesn't necessarily mean like it.   You can love a play and not like it.   You can "not love" the message, but it has to stir as great an emotion as love.   There's no two ways about it.   If it doesn't do that, then it's just meh and no one wants to be remembered as meh.  In fact no one is, because meh doesn't get a whole lot of talk.

Tonight's acquisiton of love was with Cabaret and all the performances.  Now, as needing to see the show anyway, it wasn't like anyone forced my hand to see the show.   In fact, even if I hadn't needed to see I would have wanted to and made the time to come.   Many of my friends were in the production and well, I want to support them.   But above all that, they are professionals.   They are actors who love the stage and the act of performance and they gave a stand up act. 

That's something I really haven't seen. The Stand-up act.   This is a show that everyone stood for at the end because it was beautifully done.   It was skillfully executed and your heart broke with characters.   You knew what was happening and you felt it in your bones.   It wasn't just an act.  It was a real and that's the best thing that a performance can do.  It can make you feel the realness of the situation.

And with it, I give my heart gladly.   There was so much to talk about.   And I would reccomend that anyone see a production if they can.   It's something important.  It made me sad to hear the chatter around me that people didn't know it was about Nazis.  I was pretty sure everyone knew that much.   Or at least that they might have the decency to look a few things up before they came to the show.   But I won't  complain too much because the theatre was full and everyone stood.   That is all I can wish.   And I know that the Theatre is still alive and kickin' no matter what Hollywood has to say about it. 

There will always be theatre.   There will always be the people who go to Theatre productions and for that, I can only say thank you.   It's a magical place that I hope everyone has a chance to see something from at least once in their lives.   Because it's something that just old people do.   It's something that people do because they have a love of a performance.   And love creates love.

Beda: Day 7: It's been a week.

It's been a week and what a week it has been.   I've talked about a lot of things on this blog, but not really how well the blog is going.   So I guess that's what I'll talk about today because that just seems kind of chill and whatnot.  And I'm always down for chill.   I hope you guys are too.   But since I can't see you and this is my blog, guess what?   Going on with it anyway.

One of the things I've noticed is that I've done these pretty much all late at night, making sure I have something interesting to say to you guys.   I mean I think I may have put my Team Youtube one up a little bit earlier, but not much.  It was still evening when that one went up if it went up earlier than the night because that's how I roll.   I mean I just want to make sure that I capture everything for you guys and this is something that I strive to do.   So I want to make it as good as possible.   But that also means a lot of other things.

Like the potential that I could forget one of these and then lose my challenges, which I don't think so.  Not going to happen.   So yeah, next week my challenge is to get at least two blogs up earlier than evening no later than Day 14.   Maybe we'll make that a habit.   These little challenges keep me motivated to do better and to find more time to write and stuff in my daily life.   Because I'm here for you guys but I'm also here for me.   And what I need is to find some greater confidence about these blogs.

I know not many people, if any people at all read my blogs.   They would much rather watch me on the vlogs, but still this is who I am.  I want to do this so that maybe someone stumbles across this blog and for one second I make their life better.  If that happens, I will have done my job.   So anything to keep it new and fresh and entertaining because entertaining is a whole new ball game for me but something I want to enjoy. 

These have been fairly long though and that's something I'm proud of.   I'm writing because I want to write and that's who I am.   Not because I just thought it would be fun to do a challenge.   No, I really did want to challenge myself and make new content across several fields that weren't getting as much content.   And it's a full job running all of these things but I'm glad I'm doing it.   I'm glad I'm having a good time and doing as much as I can. 

Ulitmately, I'm feeling strong about how little time it takes if you just plan some stuff out and have the confidence to go through with it.  I never thought I would be doing a week's worth of vlogs consecutively but here I am.  I'm growing stronger.   And I hope to keep it going for the next three weeks and three days.

Beda: Day 4: Allergic Reactions

So today I was sick for a while.  I'm actually probably still sick.   That's the horrible thing about being sick is that it doesn't really just go away.   You have to barrel through it.   And you know, if it was just that I may have survived without medication.   But as always things couldn't be that f'ing simple.

So for those of you who don't know I take a stage makeup class.   In the time that I've been in this class I've never used the spirit gum till today which was honestly probably a good thing.   It's a special adhesive used for sticking stuff to skin and stuff for the screen and stage because sometimes you have to look a little different.

Today, our assignment was to do a scar which we did on our inner forearm which is a very reachable place and also probably a lot less sensitive than face skin.   So I got my scar made out of tissue done and i paint some of the spirit gum on my arm, not a big deal.   Lay down the scar, still not a big deal.   Everything goes fine until I start to put the massive amount of spirit gum it takes to keep this magical scar in place at which point my arm starts to itch.

I didn't really think anything of it.  I have sensitive skin that can change what it likes and dislikes on a dime.   So I just thought I was being a wuss about this, until I took the scar off, at which point where it had been laid started forming a rash.  And people started freaking out around me.   So yeah, I took my spirit gum remover which was within reach and basically got it off as quickly as I could and then the rash went down which was good, turned out to be just an irritant that I have to be careful of.   I love being in the theater but having sensitive skin is really hard in the business.   Just have to live and learn.  And that's what I've done. 

Doesn't seem as scary now, but it certainly did in that moment when everyone else was freaking out about me which normally doesn't happen at all.

Beda: Day 3: Compliments and Hard Work

With my latest blog post about how i've been horribly procrastinating on my assignment which is do tomorrow, I've become a little more confident in things.   I've done some beautiful work in the past twenty four hours, typing reviews and printing articles like a boss. 

Honestly, I think I needed someone to be responsible to.   I know it seems weird, but since I posted that blog I've had that feeling of "someone will be disappointed in me if I don't do this." and so I've done it.  I knew I needed to do it before and I even knew that the deadline was tomorrow, I just didn't do it.   Not until I really set myself up to do it.  Which meant telling the entire world about what I haven't done yet.   And yes, I'm a little bit ashamed of myself for having to stoop to that level, but it gave me the encouragement I needed.  

Now, I've got twenty-five articles done with just five more to go to review.   Compared to the fact that none were done before this week, I put that in the plus column.   I can do things that I don't like to do, I just have to work harder at them and have the inspiration to do them.   Which is why I love the internet sooo much.   I pretty much live here and you guys are my roommates ready to call me out on not doing my shit.   Because you won't take it.  People want to see the best for me.   And that's what I get just from writing these little BEDA blogs on the internet.

On a more positive note of schoolworthy things, I got my critique back from my professor in acting for my shakespeare monologue.   Let me first preface this whole paragraph with the fact that I've known this man for three semesters and he makes me want to be better.   I've always taken what he says to heart.   I like his feedback, I think it's insightful.   Most of all, I just respect him so much.   He gave me the best review he's given me.   And anything else just vanished.   All the crap I dealt with during the day, it just went out into the universe because he cared about my work and liked it.   And he's a teacher that I know wouldn't just blow smoke at me because he thinks it would make me feel better.   He really is committed to seeing all of his actors do their best work.

School is one of those things I find so enamouring.   I find the idea that I can learn so many new skill sets just a wonder.   I want to learn as much as I possibly can and it makes me feel like the absolute best to be in a class with people who care.   So far, I've been very lucky in that I've met people and had classes that I really truly cared about.   There was one class that was hard and I didn't really care about, but it was the exception to the rule.  I find that I might be the only person I know who shares that opinion of school.   There is so much to explore and learn out there, why wouldn't you want to have that knowledge?  With so many things to do, why not try them all?

Beda: Day 2: Procrastination

Okay, so I'm reminded of a joke from a meekakitty video.   She said that her choir teacher told it.   He would ask "Who here is good at procrastination"....and then people would raise their hand and then he would say "Then, why do need to keep practicing it?" 

And yeah, I kind of wish that I had someone ask me that like a week ago when I should have been doing all this work that I'm doing right now.   Thankfully, good news is that I got all the printing done and now it's all writing the write ups.   Well, it's getting there.   From the time this is coming to you, I've probably been working on the writing for about an hour or two and I've gotten about half of it done.   And yeah, it's amazing what kind of fire you can get in when the fear of failing gets to you.

And I've always known I work the best under this kind of pressure that I have a deadline and I have to get it done and if I don't buckle down and do it immediately, that nothing will be done and there will be consequences.   But usually I have at least some of it done before the mass writing spree that is things that I do.  So yeah, I'm feeling a little stressed.   I did however get PADA and VEDA done for today before I settled into the thick of the article reading and stuff.

This is the first like really intensive project that I've had to do this semester and I feel a little bad for letting it slack for as long as I did, but it's not like there's something that I can do about it and at the end of the day if this is what I need to, I guess there's no arguing with that.   And it is good for my skin.   The crazy skin I have which constantly craves the stress.   Seriously, on Spring Break and relaxing weekends and stuff, I break out but such is not the case when I've got four major projects going on at the same time.   So anyway, yeah.   I just needed to talk about that. 

Because yeah, my life for the next couple of day is going to be articles whenever I can.   Hope this assignment comes out okay. :]

I'm attempting it: BEDA, VEDA, and PADA.

So yeah, I knew for a long time I was going to do VEDA (Vlog everday in April) but really decide to BEDA (Blog Everday in April) or PADA (Photo A Day in April) until well today.   Because I feel like I don't really have a lot going on and I want to spend as much time being creative as freaking possible, I'm doing all three.   I don't really know why.   But here it goes.   The journey begins.

Now I've already done my vlog for today and that was quite curious and kind of funny which I wil embed in this post at the end, and I've already done my picture which can be found at (The Photo Life Nina) , but now it's time for my blog post and rather than introducing for the entire post, I wondered what to write about and then it hit me.   I need to write about those things that really matter to me.   I really want to talk about being creative.

I've never not wanted to be a creative person.   The first job I can ever remember wanting as a kid was a professional writer.  I knew back then that making something, creating, was in my bones.   And I don't really approach that in any kind of special way.  When I want to create something, I do.   I've written excellent stories on this mentality and leaves me unfettered by that pesky writer's block or creativity block most of the time.   I'm not saying that it's not a monster in my life because as a creative person I don't think you can get away from it, but I think that sometimes it's easier to misdirect than it is sometimes portrayed.

That being said that sometimes it's not always the most efficient way to get things done and sometimes I need that schedule because I live for the routine even though that kills me a little bit inside.  So maybe doing this will do some good.  I already know that from filming, making a habit of doing something everyday makes it feel weird when I don't do it.   So let's carry that on into the rest of my creative processes.    Hopefully it won't suck and hopefully some of the gems that come out of this whole mess of creativity, I will be happy with because god knows what will happen if I'm not happy with at least some of it.   Actually nothing will actually happen.   I'm just being dramatic, like I do.

Still, this is a good thing and I'm excited even if it seems all very stressful right now.  Wish me luck! I love you guys and I hope you like this content that will coming at your faces in the next month.

Quote Analysis: "To live is to act and much good is done"

I have this saying on my Skype message "To live is to act and much good is done" to most it doesn't mean anything.   I'm an actor, of course I would put this little saying I thought up on my Skype, but it becomes interesting when you think about what acting really is.  

Acting is not just performed on stage or screen by pretty people.   We all act everyday.   We don't show our full selves to everyone.   There are times when we bite our tongue to save our jobs.   This is all acting and it's something that everyone does.   Even I, who try my damnedest to be honest, maybe to the point of brutality, doing this in my normal life.

So literally it is what it means, to live, to breathe is to sometimes to put on a damn good [or bad] show.   And it's something that I don't take very lightly.   We all have that in us.  We're all actors.  We're all leads in our personal movies and some people treat themselves like an extra.   They don't even treat themselves as a supporting actor in their own film.   They label themselves in the massive sea of faces.  And we are all special whether people want to tell us that or not.   I'm saying it, you, yes you who is reading this, you are special.  

So we've gone over the point in the quote "to live is to act...," and that would seem to be simple enough, but there is a second part to my quote.   "...and much good is done,"  it might not surprise you that I'm an optimist, but this doesn't refer to my personal belief.   It refers to the first part of the quote.   When we act, we are thinking of others feelings.  Either not hurting feelings of those that are in charge or close to us or we do something nice for someone and we don't want them to know.   Much good refers to what we put out into the world by keeping some things private and maybe telling lies to tell the truth. And it's done everyday.   It's done without thought and often times it couldn't be better said that we love it.

So to live is to privatize our live, to tell certain people lies so that they see certain truths about something or someone and by doing that we bring much happiness to ourselves and other people.   No one notices that it's wrong to act and that's because it's not.  living is acting and we all have our screen or our stage and we all have the audience we play into.  People see what they want and that is the good done in the world.   It's hopeful, but it's also complicated to live this life.  That's what's so fun about it though.  How dull would life be if everyone in my life knew everything about me?

Judgment

It doesn't matter how many times someone says that they liked what you did, if they don't pick you it's always a little bit heartbreaking.  

And yes, I speak from experience.  many many many times.   The reason that it's relevant right now is I entered this contest to potentially go to a convention that could quite possibly change my life.   There were about 70 contestants including myself, and I didn't get into the top ten.   Now, I know that's not something I should bummed about but I am.

I won't stop making videos, but it's really hard to be judged and not be good enough to be on someone's top list.  Especially when no matter how irrational or unjustified it is, you felt like you were better than some of the people who got into the top ten.   Still, I'm glad my friend got in to that top ten and I'm glad that she'll have that chance.   Because she's freaking awesome.   It would have been a little less awesome to compete against her.

Seriously, I'm glad I didn't have to.  I'd never have won that way.   She definitely deserves that.   Still, keep being awesome, because I love you guys soo much.

A Day, Understood

So yesterday was really good and then it was a clusterfuck.   Now, I'm going to start with the bad news because I believe that I should leave this with a good taste in my mouth and I'm pretty sure you guys don't want to remember me being a downer, because I know how this works. 

Bad news was our power went off for several hours.   Gah, like seriously.   No Beuno at all.   It's not easy to relax when there's absolutely nothing going on.   Also the video that I started to post apparently shut off the the visual part of the video about a third of the way into it.   Just was not good.  There was some other stuff, but that's for another day.    Still, those were the two main points of the badness.  Did not like it one bit as you might imagine.

The good news is though that the video I was trying to record, I was recording it on my new camera.  Now I don't have to webcam videos anymore and I'm not strictly limited to inside the house now.  Yay!   That's always fun.   In a couple of days, I will be anxiously posting another video in which I pimp out for votes.   I would really like to go to Vidcon especially now that I have my awesome camera.  But there was also Hagen Daans Ice Cream last night which was delicious.    And I read two chapters out of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

So everything was about even.   All in all, not a fantastic day, but not a horrible one where everything went wrong.   And I even got the video fixed.    And we got the power back as is obvious because I'm writing a blog post about, but whatever.    You know, I still couldn't live on a desert island because I could leave my modern comforts.

A Truly Simple Message

Running a blog, vlog, and going to school can be hard, but I'm determined.   With the recent influx of things to do, I still want to find time to record my life.  I know it seems strange but this is what our generation is about.   We have our entire lives recorded in some way and this is mine.  I want you guys to know the intimate details of my life.   Because I feel safe here on the internet.

And some people may not like that I'm doing this, but it's my way of expressing what I feel needs to be expressed and I say to those people who take issue SUCK IT!  I'm not about cowtowing to anyone's needs but my own.   I have a belief system that works and whether you think it is right or wrong is not my problem.

I'll make mistakes.   I'll say it.   I'm not afraid of it.   I'm a human just like you and I'll make mistakes and say things that I didn't mean or that are factually wrong or aren't something that you agree with.   I'm also honest, sometimes to the point of cruelty, but I fear what our culture becomes when we aren't honest with each other.   Especially with the blanket of anonymity of usernames and comments.  

With all that said, I think it's very clear that there's one thing I don't tolerate: Bullshit.   Yep.   There is nothing you can do to make me angrier than to make up shit stories and stuff and do things that in any moral view are wrong.   I'm not picking on disabled people and neither should you.   Now, this is a personal belief but it's just an example.   I will call you out.   Because I don't have time to put up with what other people say and trying to beat around the bush.   If you say something that bothers me, I will tell you and I don't do it because I'm homophobic or sexist or racist or any other manner you could be discriminatory.  I don't see the world through those kinds of lenses.  

At the end of the day we only have so much time here on this planet and I don't want to spend it regretting not being honest.  For me the bigger issue that I often get called things without a second glance because I've just been honest with someone.  And while I see through the lens of honesty, sometimes it can be tricky navigating all the relationships I have.   But I hope that our relationship is clear.  I'll be an open book with you and you'll know exactly how I feel.   Things just need to be said and I hope that at least some people out there agree with me.