It's early in the morning and we need to talk. This is something that I would never put on the video blog because this is for the people who really want a deeper perspective on me and this is not something I would really ever share on my video blog. I've had someone very recently come up, I won't tell you their relation to me or call them by their name because who knows who could be reading this out there, so for now, I want to tell you about person X. Person X has been in my life for a long time but never really a part of it.
My problem with Person X is that they don't really seem to care about me. They don't seem to care about my feelings or interests and due to the somewhat forced bond we have, it's hard to just cut X out of my life completely. That's what I want to do though. This person has made no effort to understand who I am as a person. X doesn't care if they hurt my family members with the way they use their words. And they just generally have no idea with what's going on in my life.
Normally, if this was anyone else, I wouldn't care. X, it would seem, is different because they can make the people around me feel inadequate and I'm just I want to be done with it. We're never going to have the relationship that we should and so I should just be able to drop it, shouldn't I? I mean there's nothing wrong with people who don't want to be friends and/or family to me. I'm cool with that. I don't have to have everyone like me. What seems to be the problem is that I'm kind of bowing to social pressure by having this relationship with Person X in the first place.
In an ideal world, I could tell Person X to fuck off with their bullshit, that I live my life they way I want to and if they disapprove then they can go marry a squirrel for all I care. I know that would hurt a lot more people than just Person X though. Because unfortunately, by doing that, I open up the possibility that they go after someone else that I deeply care about and I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of hiding but I'm also tired of the fake faces. Just tell me who you are. I don't want to guess. I'm not an audience member and this is not some high art play about the importance of beauty. This is real life and it shouldn't be as complicated.
I guess the moral of this story is that being an adult blows. Especially when you realize you can't just tell the bully in your life to go blow some hot air out their ass. Person X has ceased being important in my life and if they don't want to be their for the defining moments, I don't care. I have plenty of family and friends who love me just the way I am and couldn't be happier to be at the moments that will make my lifetime up. Person X, don't be surprised when you're not invited to my awesome wedding. If you don't accept me now, you'll never accept me when I'm married to a great man or woman of my choosing. Have a nice life.
It feels good to say it. If only for a second and with vague details surrounding it. I'm me and that's all I'll ever hope to be.
Showing posts with label drama. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drama. Show all posts
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
Beda: Day 16: A Rage Within?
Okay, so I've changed my background. And to be quite honest, I'm not sure if I'm happy with it. I mean I like the color of it, but I don't know, maybe it's the pattern or how there is not a lot of color in it, that's not agreeing with me. But I'm not totally in favor of it. But I did want something that was new and different and for now, that seems to be circles. Tell me if you hate it, please? Because if you hate it then I'll change it right away, but for right now, I guess it can stay. Maybe I'll get used to it and like it for awhile. I'll give it about till day 20 in BEDA and if I'm still not impressed then we're going to be changing, how about that?
So today, I got to play with clay which is one of the most thrilling experiences I've had in College. Like I've met a lot of cool people and learned a lot of really neat things but really, none of that comes with the thrill factor of getting to work with some clay. I mean I just love it. I find it to be really relaxing and soothing and knowing what i'm doing is always a plus. That's always fun. I really enjoy that part.
Mondays and Wednesdays are my very artistic days. I go from Stage Makeup to Dance class which I currently just kind of watch, because of my bummed out leg, and then I go to Anthropology in which we are doing a facial reconstruction which starts out very artistically. And so I do enjoy that part of my week. It's very fulfilling to sit there and go to class and just have my mind exploded with all of this art. Because ultimately that's what I want to do with my life is to create some kind of art. I've said it before but it really can't be overstated. I want to come out of somewhere and go that's what I want to do everyday and that's never happened if it hasn't been for my art.
Tomorrow I have to wear a skirt or a dress. I'm still debating. I was supposed to decide tonight but obviously that didn't happen. I wish it had, but I can't exactly beg for anything. Still, I just hope my partner knows her lines and everything goes smoothly. Seriously, I might get violent if it doesn't because I worked really hard on this scene for it to be wasted by another person. That's just not going to happen. I won't let it. I refuse to let someone sink my ship. And maybe she had a good reason for bailing on me, but I can't really ever see that when she had more than enough oppurtunities to schedule with me, but didn't. And yes, I was a little bit of a bitch and didn't answer her text today, but I was legitimately in class and that's exactly what I'm going to tell her tomorrow. She doesn't like, she can suck it.
Oh and this was nearly late, because I almost forgot about it, but hey it's all good now right? Because I got to you guys and you guys got a nice long slightly rant-y diatribe about what's happening in my life. Sorry bout that. Maybe it'll be different tomorrow.
So today, I got to play with clay which is one of the most thrilling experiences I've had in College. Like I've met a lot of cool people and learned a lot of really neat things but really, none of that comes with the thrill factor of getting to work with some clay. I mean I just love it. I find it to be really relaxing and soothing and knowing what i'm doing is always a plus. That's always fun. I really enjoy that part.
Mondays and Wednesdays are my very artistic days. I go from Stage Makeup to Dance class which I currently just kind of watch, because of my bummed out leg, and then I go to Anthropology in which we are doing a facial reconstruction which starts out very artistically. And so I do enjoy that part of my week. It's very fulfilling to sit there and go to class and just have my mind exploded with all of this art. Because ultimately that's what I want to do with my life is to create some kind of art. I've said it before but it really can't be overstated. I want to come out of somewhere and go that's what I want to do everyday and that's never happened if it hasn't been for my art.
Tomorrow I have to wear a skirt or a dress. I'm still debating. I was supposed to decide tonight but obviously that didn't happen. I wish it had, but I can't exactly beg for anything. Still, I just hope my partner knows her lines and everything goes smoothly. Seriously, I might get violent if it doesn't because I worked really hard on this scene for it to be wasted by another person. That's just not going to happen. I won't let it. I refuse to let someone sink my ship. And maybe she had a good reason for bailing on me, but I can't really ever see that when she had more than enough oppurtunities to schedule with me, but didn't. And yes, I was a little bit of a bitch and didn't answer her text today, but I was legitimately in class and that's exactly what I'm going to tell her tomorrow. She doesn't like, she can suck it.
Oh and this was nearly late, because I almost forgot about it, but hey it's all good now right? Because I got to you guys and you guys got a nice long slightly rant-y diatribe about what's happening in my life. Sorry bout that. Maybe it'll be different tomorrow.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Beda: Day 13: A Love Story.
I fell in love and all at once. Now, that's kind of a bold thing to say about another person. I mean people are fickle creatures but there are other things that it makes sense to say such dramatic phrases about it. Like the art of Drama. See what I did there? Yeah, that's kind of my thing. So I hoped you liked it.
But I actually mean it. I fell in love and all at once. And I do this quite a lot with fiction. I find something in it and I fall hopelessly in love with the idea. It's what makes any type of story no matter what the medium matter. You have to love it. And love doesn't necessarily mean like it. You can love a play and not like it. You can "not love" the message, but it has to stir as great an emotion as love. There's no two ways about it. If it doesn't do that, then it's just meh and no one wants to be remembered as meh. In fact no one is, because meh doesn't get a whole lot of talk.
Tonight's acquisiton of love was with Cabaret and all the performances. Now, as needing to see the show anyway, it wasn't like anyone forced my hand to see the show. In fact, even if I hadn't needed to see I would have wanted to and made the time to come. Many of my friends were in the production and well, I want to support them. But above all that, they are professionals. They are actors who love the stage and the act of performance and they gave a stand up act.
That's something I really haven't seen. The Stand-up act. This is a show that everyone stood for at the end because it was beautifully done. It was skillfully executed and your heart broke with characters. You knew what was happening and you felt it in your bones. It wasn't just an act. It was a real and that's the best thing that a performance can do. It can make you feel the realness of the situation.
And with it, I give my heart gladly. There was so much to talk about. And I would reccomend that anyone see a production if they can. It's something important. It made me sad to hear the chatter around me that people didn't know it was about Nazis. I was pretty sure everyone knew that much. Or at least that they might have the decency to look a few things up before they came to the show. But I won't complain too much because the theatre was full and everyone stood. That is all I can wish. And I know that the Theatre is still alive and kickin' no matter what Hollywood has to say about it.
There will always be theatre. There will always be the people who go to Theatre productions and for that, I can only say thank you. It's a magical place that I hope everyone has a chance to see something from at least once in their lives. Because it's something that just old people do. It's something that people do because they have a love of a performance. And love creates love.
But I actually mean it. I fell in love and all at once. And I do this quite a lot with fiction. I find something in it and I fall hopelessly in love with the idea. It's what makes any type of story no matter what the medium matter. You have to love it. And love doesn't necessarily mean like it. You can love a play and not like it. You can "not love" the message, but it has to stir as great an emotion as love. There's no two ways about it. If it doesn't do that, then it's just meh and no one wants to be remembered as meh. In fact no one is, because meh doesn't get a whole lot of talk.
Tonight's acquisiton of love was with Cabaret and all the performances. Now, as needing to see the show anyway, it wasn't like anyone forced my hand to see the show. In fact, even if I hadn't needed to see I would have wanted to and made the time to come. Many of my friends were in the production and well, I want to support them. But above all that, they are professionals. They are actors who love the stage and the act of performance and they gave a stand up act.
That's something I really haven't seen. The Stand-up act. This is a show that everyone stood for at the end because it was beautifully done. It was skillfully executed and your heart broke with characters. You knew what was happening and you felt it in your bones. It wasn't just an act. It was a real and that's the best thing that a performance can do. It can make you feel the realness of the situation.
And with it, I give my heart gladly. There was so much to talk about. And I would reccomend that anyone see a production if they can. It's something important. It made me sad to hear the chatter around me that people didn't know it was about Nazis. I was pretty sure everyone knew that much. Or at least that they might have the decency to look a few things up before they came to the show. But I won't complain too much because the theatre was full and everyone stood. That is all I can wish. And I know that the Theatre is still alive and kickin' no matter what Hollywood has to say about it.
There will always be theatre. There will always be the people who go to Theatre productions and for that, I can only say thank you. It's a magical place that I hope everyone has a chance to see something from at least once in their lives. Because it's something that just old people do. It's something that people do because they have a love of a performance. And love creates love.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Beda: Day 12: Sitting, Internet, Theatre, and Books.
So today, I'm going to try and not be all cross even though I want to be. Because that's wrong and you guys don't deserve it. Not everything in my life is bad but sometimes it feels that way. And really in the scheme of things, today was a relatively good day. I just did a lot of useless sitting. And that's something that I really kind of hate. I mean I LIKE sitting, but I don't want to just sit. I want to do something. I want to be learning something or actively doing something of my choosing.
When I'm at school and have these longs breaks where I'm just sitting around, I'm more passive than at any point in my life. It's just not fun to sit around and do the cool things when you think everyone in the building could potentially run over and look over your shoulder. And that's just, that's really not something you ever want to have happen. It's not fun. So I spend most of my time refreshing Youtube or going on some of the safer sites. I still keep my twitter up in the background, but there are things that I just don't get to do at school which is not what I want to do. Then to top it off, today, my scene partner bailed. And this was honestly one of the most important days that she could have bailed on. And it just boggles my mind. I mean short of open heart surgery she really should have pushed it off until later and come because she's not only affecting her grade, but mine.
But thankfully Tim understood about the entire situation. He really is a lovely man and I cannot say enough good things about him. I can't wait for tomorrow when I get to see Cabaret as a patron of the arts. I've heard really good things about his rendition and so many of my friends are in the play and it's just so exciting. More exciting than anything you guys can possibly imagine if you aren't in the realm of the theatre. It isn't like a movie premiere, it's something quite more altogether, I think for everyone involved. So yeah, that's a thing in my life.
But other than that, I started a new book, that I'm about a quarter of the way done with. I need to read more over the summer, which actually shouldn't be a problem. I'm a fairly fast reader when I don't have school to interfere with things. So yes, I'm not technically behind yet, but I was very close to being if I didn't read a book this month and I have so that is very good. I need to find some new books...and convince my mom to let me buy some new books. Because yeah, I want more books. I want so many books and I just don't know where to start crossing books off the list. Seriously my main two expenditures in adult life: books and food. Who would buy anything else?
Maybe in a couple of days, for BEDA, I will do a book review. Who knows? I certainly don't. These things go day by day and now I think I'm going to write some more.
When I'm at school and have these longs breaks where I'm just sitting around, I'm more passive than at any point in my life. It's just not fun to sit around and do the cool things when you think everyone in the building could potentially run over and look over your shoulder. And that's just, that's really not something you ever want to have happen. It's not fun. So I spend most of my time refreshing Youtube or going on some of the safer sites. I still keep my twitter up in the background, but there are things that I just don't get to do at school which is not what I want to do. Then to top it off, today, my scene partner bailed. And this was honestly one of the most important days that she could have bailed on. And it just boggles my mind. I mean short of open heart surgery she really should have pushed it off until later and come because she's not only affecting her grade, but mine.
But thankfully Tim understood about the entire situation. He really is a lovely man and I cannot say enough good things about him. I can't wait for tomorrow when I get to see Cabaret as a patron of the arts. I've heard really good things about his rendition and so many of my friends are in the play and it's just so exciting. More exciting than anything you guys can possibly imagine if you aren't in the realm of the theatre. It isn't like a movie premiere, it's something quite more altogether, I think for everyone involved. So yeah, that's a thing in my life.
But other than that, I started a new book, that I'm about a quarter of the way done with. I need to read more over the summer, which actually shouldn't be a problem. I'm a fairly fast reader when I don't have school to interfere with things. So yes, I'm not technically behind yet, but I was very close to being if I didn't read a book this month and I have so that is very good. I need to find some new books...and convince my mom to let me buy some new books. Because yeah, I want more books. I want so many books and I just don't know where to start crossing books off the list. Seriously my main two expenditures in adult life: books and food. Who would buy anything else?
Maybe in a couple of days, for BEDA, I will do a book review. Who knows? I certainly don't. These things go day by day and now I think I'm going to write some more.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Beda: Day 9: IC Drama.
At home today and one thing I'm glad I'm not really part of. You know, the things? I'm actually proud I'm not in one of the many circles of drama that I know about. It's not really something that I really enjoy being a part of. I mean I'm part of a dramatic crowd normally but yeah, this is something that I don't enjoy.
Now, I mean I know I'm not the only one who just gets that glad feeling when I don't get in the middle of drama. Who actually wants to be a part of it? Who cares about the petty problems that other people have. Other people suck much balls. And quite frankly what I want is other people to just kind of get their heads out of their rear ends. Saying things on the internet in an insulting manner and starting a fight is dumb and I can't stand when people do it.
And this is coming from someone who has been bullied by someone online. I don't honestly give a damn about most people's opinions but you really have to take into consideration, who you're dealing with. Keep it calm and do as your mother said when you were little. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
And then there's personal life drama which I'm also glad I'm not a part of, it just seems so complicated and that's not the person I am right now. I'm someone who has a very different opinion on things than might be popular in the world. Guess how much I care? Oh did you guess more than zero? Sorry, that's wrong. It's zero. I care zero percent about how my opinions reflect the world's popular opinion. Because I'm not trying to demean anyone, I'm just putting it out there.
Also, don't be offended if you ask my opinion. I say that at the onset. Just doesn't work.
Now, I mean I know I'm not the only one who just gets that glad feeling when I don't get in the middle of drama. Who actually wants to be a part of it? Who cares about the petty problems that other people have. Other people suck much balls. And quite frankly what I want is other people to just kind of get their heads out of their rear ends. Saying things on the internet in an insulting manner and starting a fight is dumb and I can't stand when people do it.
And this is coming from someone who has been bullied by someone online. I don't honestly give a damn about most people's opinions but you really have to take into consideration, who you're dealing with. Keep it calm and do as your mother said when you were little. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
And then there's personal life drama which I'm also glad I'm not a part of, it just seems so complicated and that's not the person I am right now. I'm someone who has a very different opinion on things than might be popular in the world. Guess how much I care? Oh did you guess more than zero? Sorry, that's wrong. It's zero. I care zero percent about how my opinions reflect the world's popular opinion. Because I'm not trying to demean anyone, I'm just putting it out there.
Also, don't be offended if you ask my opinion. I say that at the onset. Just doesn't work.
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