Writing and Design.

With all the craziness of school and a couple of other things, I've neglected my poor little blog and I'm sorry for that.  My dad is leaving tomorrow and I've already had the pangs because I know he's going to leave.   And that kind precognition does not make things easier.   As I've grown up and understood more of the fatality around the world, it gets scarier to let him go without a swell of emotion.   But this isn't entirely about that.   This is about being in a place where I can write again.

I'm writing what could concievably become a book.   I've written about 6K in words and I'm very excited for this.   Because it means I'm writing again.  And it doesn't mean it's great, but I just want to get back into it.  I want to say this first and foremost, my books don't particularly mention race, so they could be given to the mind's eye as whatever color the reader feels comfortable with, but in my mind, I've always seen them as white.  It's not because I don't like other races, it's just that's what I'm most comfortable with.

I feel like if, hypothetically, I were really rich and famous from my books and I were to come out and say that even though my books do not portray skin color as a defining factor of that I might be ostracized because I don't care.   I mean the color of the person on the book doesn't really matter to me so much as the people inside the book.   And I tend to get books that have less of a person on them and more with an abstract design that totally represents some part of the book.  It's not that I don't like books with people on the covers, because that's not true, but it's just something I've been thinking about.

Because I eventually want my books to go into print and I want them to be accessible to all readers, not just the ones who pick it up because they like the person on the front of the book.   That's silly.  I don't like to do it that way.   But I'll be updating you guys on how this is going and hopefully it will become something wonderful.

Let's just say that if I could finish two novels this year, I would be extremely happy.  I would be over the moon.   That would just be so incredible.   I've always wanted to do this.  I've always wanted to be a novelist, but up until recently, I've never found that I could complete them.   Maybe this has started a new chapter in my life and if it has, I'm incredibly excited to see where it leads because this is just as much of a mystery to me as it is to you.   Thanks for being with me.   Thanks for taking the time and knowing I had to relax.  I'll always come back to you guys though.  I always do.

Beda: Day 25: Creative Chaos.

You know, there's something that feels so right about being in a clean room.

I'm not saying that for no purpose.   Good news on the productivity front, I cleaned my room today and god it feels so good to be in a clean room rather than one that has everything everywhere.   I mean I like all the stuff being in the room but sometimes you have to get some of the stuff out of your life.   I don't care who you are.  It's just part of life and growing up.   Sometimes, the best way to detox is to throw stuff away.   My 13 year old self would not believe I would be giving myself this advice, but it's true 13 year old me.   We're throwing stuff away and you're going to like it.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love my creative chaos as much as the next person and it's all very nice to have that freedom of putting things anywhere, but sometimes you just need to contain it to boxes.   And really I guess that was all I was really looking for.  Because I mean things were getting everywhere and I just I couldn't think with all the things thinking at once and being like "Hey, we need lives too.   You're gonna pay attention to us right?" 

On the list of successful things I've done today, that has not been the only thing though.  I got a photo done.  And I got my dance paper turned in.   Not sure if the paper made any sense or I just repeated the one sentence in different words a bunch of times, but who know?   I don't even care.   I'm just gonna be superfly right now and just be like "fuck it, I get what I get"  I know that's not a great attitude to have towards classwork, but it's been a long semester and I just want to finish.   I however, have not, started on my makeup morgue which I actually need to get cracking on.   So I suppose tomorrow when I have free time I should do that.  

For right now, I'm going to count the little things.   I've been very good about getting stuff done on time and when it needed to be turned in.   So I have confidence in myself that I'll do it this time too.   Just can't worry.

Seriously, being in a clean room makes me really relaxed and it didn't even take that long.  Only a couple of hours and most of that was sorting through some of the junk that I was like, um, I should probably throw this out already and I already have that file stored on my computer, I can junk it.  But hey, sometimes you just got to think about those moments.

Hope everyone had a great day and I wish you all the best for tomorrow. 

Beda: Day 21: My Editing Process.

I never knew how exactly hard yet easy it was going to be to edit a novel.  I mean I've written things before and reworked them and gone back and cringed at old work I had sitting on the internet, but revising this is an entirely new ballgame. 

First of all, it's not something I can just do on my computer.  I actually had to print it out so it was easier to read and see what changes I wanted to make.   Mostly because if I don't agree with these changes later, I don't have to make them and I can throw the draft out.   And by throw out, I do mean recycle because that would a lot of paper to just waste on putting in the wrong bin.   Seriously this manuscript is over 60 pages.

It's easy in the fact that this doesn't really feel like my work.  I can critique at a distance and put the much needed edits into it.   Which is something I never thought I would be able to do.   I'm typically more assured in my work than that and it's often not till several years later when I'm bored and decided to have a read at some of my old work that I realize how much I could have used an edit button.   I truly mean that.   But no, that part is actually going remarkably great.   I'm also not at that point where everything is total crap, like writers often go through.  I just I have the distance and that's what I needed.

It's hard in the fact that it is very technically time consuming.  I often have to read paragraphs or sentences over again because I'm not sure how they feel.   I have to mull them around.   And that's a little bit frustrating.   As someone who virtually has a judgment on something the second she is presented with it, this mulling process is fairly long and laborious.   And that maddens me a little bit.   For the past two days I've been editing on and off and I've only gotten through 8 pages.   Not even 8.   Like 7 and 3/4.   And that was only the first two chapters.   There are at least like 20 Chapters in the whole thing.   I don't exactly remember. 

This manuscript has all the words I wrote and I'll always be incredibly proud of that, but I'm really glad I'm taking this time to make it better.   To see what else to do with it.  And I think this is making me a better writer.   I can see what works for me and what doesn't.   And no, I'ven't finshed the novel for this year.   It's still on my list of things to do, but I work best under pressure and I wrote this novel in November, maybe I'll write all my novels via NaNoWriMo.

Maybe in November when NaNoWriMo comes around I'll have to blog about how well things are going without giving any details away because then I'm never motivated to finish.   And I'm determined to write a novel this year.   Again.   Because I like writing.   And While I love doing blogposts, my heart is with the fiction.

Beda: Day 19: The Problem With Person X.

It's early in the morning and we need to talk.   This is something that I would never put on the video blog because this is for the people who really want a deeper perspective on me and this is not something I would really ever share on my video blog.  I've had someone very recently come up, I won't tell you their relation to me or call them by their name because who knows who could be reading this out there, so for now, I want to tell you about person X.   Person X has been in my life for a long time but never really a part of it. 

My problem with Person X is that they don't really seem to care about me.   They don't seem to care about my feelings or interests and due to the somewhat forced bond we have, it's hard to just cut X out of my life completely.   That's what I want to do though.   This person has made no effort to understand who I am as a person.   X doesn't care if they hurt my family members with the way they use their words.  And they just generally have no idea with what's going on in my life.

Normally, if this was anyone else, I wouldn't care.   X, it would seem, is different because they can make the people around me feel inadequate and I'm just I want to be done with it.   We're never going to have the relationship that we should and so I should just be able to drop it, shouldn't I?  I mean there's nothing wrong with people who don't want to be friends and/or family to me.   I'm cool with that.  I don't have to have everyone like me.   What seems to be the problem is that I'm kind of bowing to social pressure by having this relationship with Person X in the first place.

In an ideal world, I could tell Person X to fuck off with their bullshit, that I live my life they way I want to and if they disapprove then they can go marry a squirrel for all I care.  I know that would hurt a lot more people than just Person X though.   Because unfortunately, by doing that, I open up the possibility that they go after someone else that I deeply care about and I'm just tired of it.  I'm tired of hiding but I'm also tired of the fake faces.   Just tell me who you are.   I don't want to guess.  I'm not an audience member and this is not some high art play about the importance of beauty.   This is real life and it shouldn't be as complicated.

I guess the moral of this story is that being an adult blows.   Especially when you realize you can't just tell the bully in your life to go blow some hot air out their ass.   Person X has ceased being important in my life and if they don't want to be their for the defining moments, I don't care.   I have plenty of family and friends who love me just the way I am and couldn't be happier to be at the moments that will make my lifetime up.  Person X, don't be surprised when you're not invited to my awesome wedding.   If you don't accept me now, you'll never accept me when I'm married to a great man or woman of my choosing.   Have a nice life.

It feels good to say it.   If only for a second and with vague details surrounding it.   I'm me and that's all I'll ever hope to be.

Beda: Day 17: Watching Stuff.

It's been an interesting day.  I'm trying not to like go to my instant start out for the blog which I notice I do quite a lot last night.   I was scrolling through and was like "Wow, I use the same phrase or a small deviation quite often."   So I'm trying to curb that thing, but yeah.  In the realm of Nina news, today was kind of a boring day.   You guys won't get much in the way of like super input on this one, but today I did watch a fantastic movie.  

I'd been meaning to see it for awhile and today I just had the time, so I did it.  I watched Closer.   This is a movie, I distinctly remember watching when I was younger than I am.   We've had it for several years.   And when I was younger and definitely more of an unfocused mind, I didn't find it that interesting.   I didn't really get the concept.  I was also too young to really understand like the severity of some of the things that happened in the movie.   I really enjoyed it though.  I mean it's a cautionary tale for anyone who thinks that there is the perfect romance out there, but it's good.  It raises some interesting questions about how humans especially now, with the internet, deal with love and sex.  

And then there is the wonderful beauty that is Buffy the Vampire Slayer season 3 because it makes me feel better.  I had kind of a shite day with the partner sitch and Faith in season three just makes me feel way more five by five.    I mean she just makes feel a lot less violent because I get to be violent through her.   Does that make any sense?   I don't really know.   But yeah, she's awesome and she's totally one of my favorite characters of all time.  She's also portrayed by Eliza Dushku and I'm pretty sure Eliza as Faith was the first person I'm pretty sure I ever had sexual feelings for.  Not weird, just a thing.  

So yes, I've pretty much had a really lazy day and you know what?  I'm kind of okay with that because tomorrow is going to be an interesting day.   I live for these kinds of weeks when I can alternate the crazy intense days with the lazy days because then I have a chance to relax.   I have a chance to regenerate.   Hopefully you'll forgive me for this kind of strange little blog today.   This was kind of an indulgent one for me, but I'm trying not to talk about the same things in the vlogs and I say a lot in the vlogs.

Beda: Day 16: A Rage Within?

Okay, so I've changed my background.   And to be quite honest, I'm not sure if I'm happy with it.  I mean I like the color of it, but I don't know, maybe it's the pattern or how there is not a lot of color in it, that's not agreeing with me.  But I'm not totally in favor of it.   But I did want something that was new and different and for now, that seems to be circles.   Tell me if you hate it, please?  Because if you hate it then I'll change it right away, but for right now, I guess it can stay.   Maybe I'll get used to it and like it for awhile.   I'll give it about till day 20 in BEDA and if I'm still not impressed then we're going to be changing, how about that?

So today, I got to play with clay which is one of the most thrilling experiences I've had in College.   Like I've met a lot of cool people and learned a lot of really neat things but really, none of that comes with the thrill factor of getting to work with some clay.   I mean I just love it.   I find it to be really relaxing and soothing and knowing what i'm doing is always a plus.  That's always fun.   I really enjoy that part. 

Mondays and Wednesdays are my very artistic days.   I go from Stage Makeup to Dance class which I currently just kind of watch, because of my bummed out leg, and then I go to Anthropology in which we are doing a facial reconstruction which starts out very artistically.   And so I do enjoy that part of my week.   It's very fulfilling to sit there and go to class and just have my mind exploded with all of this art.  Because ultimately that's what I want to do with my life is to create some kind of art.   I've said it before but it really can't be overstated.  I want to come out of somewhere and go that's what I want to do everyday and that's never happened if it hasn't been for my art.

Tomorrow I have to wear a skirt or a dress.   I'm still debating.  I was supposed to decide tonight but obviously that didn't happen.   I wish it had, but I can't exactly beg for anything.   Still, I just hope my partner knows her lines and everything goes smoothly.   Seriously, I might get violent if it doesn't because I worked really hard on this scene for it to be wasted by another person.   That's just not going to happen.   I won't let it.   I refuse to let someone sink my ship.   And maybe she had a good reason for bailing on me, but I can't really ever see that when she had more than enough oppurtunities to schedule with me, but didn't.   And yes, I was a little bit of a bitch and didn't answer her text today, but I was legitimately in class and that's exactly what I'm going to tell her tomorrow.   She doesn't like, she can suck it.

Oh and this was nearly late, because I almost forgot about it, but hey it's all good now right?  Because I got to you guys and you guys got a nice long slightly rant-y diatribe about what's happening in my life.   Sorry bout that.  Maybe it'll be different tomorrow.

Beda: Day 7: It's been a week.

It's been a week and what a week it has been.   I've talked about a lot of things on this blog, but not really how well the blog is going.   So I guess that's what I'll talk about today because that just seems kind of chill and whatnot.  And I'm always down for chill.   I hope you guys are too.   But since I can't see you and this is my blog, guess what?   Going on with it anyway.

One of the things I've noticed is that I've done these pretty much all late at night, making sure I have something interesting to say to you guys.   I mean I think I may have put my Team Youtube one up a little bit earlier, but not much.  It was still evening when that one went up if it went up earlier than the night because that's how I roll.   I mean I just want to make sure that I capture everything for you guys and this is something that I strive to do.   So I want to make it as good as possible.   But that also means a lot of other things.

Like the potential that I could forget one of these and then lose my challenges, which I don't think so.  Not going to happen.   So yeah, next week my challenge is to get at least two blogs up earlier than evening no later than Day 14.   Maybe we'll make that a habit.   These little challenges keep me motivated to do better and to find more time to write and stuff in my daily life.   Because I'm here for you guys but I'm also here for me.   And what I need is to find some greater confidence about these blogs.

I know not many people, if any people at all read my blogs.   They would much rather watch me on the vlogs, but still this is who I am.  I want to do this so that maybe someone stumbles across this blog and for one second I make their life better.  If that happens, I will have done my job.   So anything to keep it new and fresh and entertaining because entertaining is a whole new ball game for me but something I want to enjoy. 

These have been fairly long though and that's something I'm proud of.   I'm writing because I want to write and that's who I am.   Not because I just thought it would be fun to do a challenge.   No, I really did want to challenge myself and make new content across several fields that weren't getting as much content.   And it's a full job running all of these things but I'm glad I'm doing it.   I'm glad I'm having a good time and doing as much as I can. 

Ulitmately, I'm feeling strong about how little time it takes if you just plan some stuff out and have the confidence to go through with it.  I never thought I would be doing a week's worth of vlogs consecutively but here I am.  I'm growing stronger.   And I hope to keep it going for the next three weeks and three days.

Beda: Day 6: Sleeping time.

God, I'm just tired today.  I'ven't done anything.  I mean that counts as kind of a win, but i'd much rather have done something than sit around all day "appreciating" my fine leg pain.   Yeah, stupid thing still hurts but I'm just overreacting according to other parties, who don't include a doctor I might add and so nothing has been done about it.   Hopefully, nothing's super wrong.   Seriously, if there's a tumor or something in my leg, I'm going to flip a table a la "Real housewives" and I wouldn't care who's around.

honestly, I just want to rage a little bit.  I mean other people are cool enough, but right now, I am just so angry and tired that I think I want to go to sleep.   Because hoenstly, I'll probably wake up in the morning and generally feel like a bitch for posting this blog, but I'm not right now.  I'm sorry it's short and all but I didn't promise long blogs, just that there would be one everyday.

Beda: Day 2: Procrastination

Okay, so I'm reminded of a joke from a meekakitty video.   She said that her choir teacher told it.   He would ask "Who here is good at procrastination"....and then people would raise their hand and then he would say "Then, why do need to keep practicing it?" 

And yeah, I kind of wish that I had someone ask me that like a week ago when I should have been doing all this work that I'm doing right now.   Thankfully, good news is that I got all the printing done and now it's all writing the write ups.   Well, it's getting there.   From the time this is coming to you, I've probably been working on the writing for about an hour or two and I've gotten about half of it done.   And yeah, it's amazing what kind of fire you can get in when the fear of failing gets to you.

And I've always known I work the best under this kind of pressure that I have a deadline and I have to get it done and if I don't buckle down and do it immediately, that nothing will be done and there will be consequences.   But usually I have at least some of it done before the mass writing spree that is things that I do.  So yeah, I'm feeling a little stressed.   I did however get PADA and VEDA done for today before I settled into the thick of the article reading and stuff.

This is the first like really intensive project that I've had to do this semester and I feel a little bad for letting it slack for as long as I did, but it's not like there's something that I can do about it and at the end of the day if this is what I need to, I guess there's no arguing with that.   And it is good for my skin.   The crazy skin I have which constantly craves the stress.   Seriously, on Spring Break and relaxing weekends and stuff, I break out but such is not the case when I've got four major projects going on at the same time.   So anyway, yeah.   I just needed to talk about that. 

Because yeah, my life for the next couple of day is going to be articles whenever I can.   Hope this assignment comes out okay. :]

I'm attempting it: BEDA, VEDA, and PADA.

So yeah, I knew for a long time I was going to do VEDA (Vlog everday in April) but really decide to BEDA (Blog Everday in April) or PADA (Photo A Day in April) until well today.   Because I feel like I don't really have a lot going on and I want to spend as much time being creative as freaking possible, I'm doing all three.   I don't really know why.   But here it goes.   The journey begins.

Now I've already done my vlog for today and that was quite curious and kind of funny which I wil embed in this post at the end, and I've already done my picture which can be found at (The Photo Life Nina) , but now it's time for my blog post and rather than introducing for the entire post, I wondered what to write about and then it hit me.   I need to write about those things that really matter to me.   I really want to talk about being creative.

I've never not wanted to be a creative person.   The first job I can ever remember wanting as a kid was a professional writer.  I knew back then that making something, creating, was in my bones.   And I don't really approach that in any kind of special way.  When I want to create something, I do.   I've written excellent stories on this mentality and leaves me unfettered by that pesky writer's block or creativity block most of the time.   I'm not saying that it's not a monster in my life because as a creative person I don't think you can get away from it, but I think that sometimes it's easier to misdirect than it is sometimes portrayed.

That being said that sometimes it's not always the most efficient way to get things done and sometimes I need that schedule because I live for the routine even though that kills me a little bit inside.  So maybe doing this will do some good.  I already know that from filming, making a habit of doing something everyday makes it feel weird when I don't do it.   So let's carry that on into the rest of my creative processes.    Hopefully it won't suck and hopefully some of the gems that come out of this whole mess of creativity, I will be happy with because god knows what will happen if I'm not happy with at least some of it.   Actually nothing will actually happen.   I'm just being dramatic, like I do.

Still, this is a good thing and I'm excited even if it seems all very stressful right now.  Wish me luck! I love you guys and I hope you like this content that will coming at your faces in the next month.

A Day, Understood

So yesterday was really good and then it was a clusterfuck.   Now, I'm going to start with the bad news because I believe that I should leave this with a good taste in my mouth and I'm pretty sure you guys don't want to remember me being a downer, because I know how this works. 

Bad news was our power went off for several hours.   Gah, like seriously.   No Beuno at all.   It's not easy to relax when there's absolutely nothing going on.   Also the video that I started to post apparently shut off the the visual part of the video about a third of the way into it.   Just was not good.  There was some other stuff, but that's for another day.    Still, those were the two main points of the badness.  Did not like it one bit as you might imagine.

The good news is though that the video I was trying to record, I was recording it on my new camera.  Now I don't have to webcam videos anymore and I'm not strictly limited to inside the house now.  Yay!   That's always fun.   In a couple of days, I will be anxiously posting another video in which I pimp out for votes.   I would really like to go to Vidcon especially now that I have my awesome camera.  But there was also Hagen Daans Ice Cream last night which was delicious.    And I read two chapters out of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

So everything was about even.   All in all, not a fantastic day, but not a horrible one where everything went wrong.   And I even got the video fixed.    And we got the power back as is obvious because I'm writing a blog post about, but whatever.    You know, I still couldn't live on a desert island because I could leave my modern comforts.

A Truly Simple Message

Running a blog, vlog, and going to school can be hard, but I'm determined.   With the recent influx of things to do, I still want to find time to record my life.  I know it seems strange but this is what our generation is about.   We have our entire lives recorded in some way and this is mine.  I want you guys to know the intimate details of my life.   Because I feel safe here on the internet.

And some people may not like that I'm doing this, but it's my way of expressing what I feel needs to be expressed and I say to those people who take issue SUCK IT!  I'm not about cowtowing to anyone's needs but my own.   I have a belief system that works and whether you think it is right or wrong is not my problem.

I'll make mistakes.   I'll say it.   I'm not afraid of it.   I'm a human just like you and I'll make mistakes and say things that I didn't mean or that are factually wrong or aren't something that you agree with.   I'm also honest, sometimes to the point of cruelty, but I fear what our culture becomes when we aren't honest with each other.   Especially with the blanket of anonymity of usernames and comments.  

With all that said, I think it's very clear that there's one thing I don't tolerate: Bullshit.   Yep.   There is nothing you can do to make me angrier than to make up shit stories and stuff and do things that in any moral view are wrong.   I'm not picking on disabled people and neither should you.   Now, this is a personal belief but it's just an example.   I will call you out.   Because I don't have time to put up with what other people say and trying to beat around the bush.   If you say something that bothers me, I will tell you and I don't do it because I'm homophobic or sexist or racist or any other manner you could be discriminatory.  I don't see the world through those kinds of lenses.  

At the end of the day we only have so much time here on this planet and I don't want to spend it regretting not being honest.  For me the bigger issue that I often get called things without a second glance because I've just been honest with someone.  And while I see through the lens of honesty, sometimes it can be tricky navigating all the relationships I have.   But I hope that our relationship is clear.  I'll be an open book with you and you'll know exactly how I feel.   Things just need to be said and I hope that at least some people out there agree with me.