Beda: Day 30: Thoughts from the end.

So this is the last Blog in a row for BEDA but there's a lot going on.   I want to do a lot and this blog was certainly one of the best things that I've done in a long time.  Doing a bunch of creative projects at the same time, while having to deal with pesky things like finals and family.

Still in the place that I've been put in, I can't say I'm not glad to have it be done with the whole thing.  I mean I've been having some trouble keeping up with the whole thing.   I want to just sleep and relax a little and while not doing the blog for a couple of days might let me do that, it's more about the fact that I'm going to be done very soon with the finals and things.

It is really nice having this blog though to record my voice and thoughts.   It'll be nice to get back to it eventually.   Hopefully, it won't be too long before I get back to it.   Because enjoyment is the spice of life and I'm getting it from doing this.   Even just typing the words on the keyboard gives me some joy.  

I haven't been especially creative this month in anything else other than vlogging and blogging and doing the photo, but I'm doing it.   I'm figuring it out and I think that's all I can ask for.   Just to have it work out.

I hope anyone out there reading this is doing well.   Keep it going and show some love to someone you think could use it.   Because who knows, you could very well make that person's and it's something beautiful.

Living is something that's hard enough, but when we get bogged down with all the crap, it's very hard to see the great things staring us in the face.   And while I'm in that place bogged down with all the crap, it's getting easier to see through the fog.   Being tough is not necessarily my way of life, but it is something I try to do whenever I can.

Beda: Day 25: Creative Chaos.

You know, there's something that feels so right about being in a clean room.

I'm not saying that for no purpose.   Good news on the productivity front, I cleaned my room today and god it feels so good to be in a clean room rather than one that has everything everywhere.   I mean I like all the stuff being in the room but sometimes you have to get some of the stuff out of your life.   I don't care who you are.  It's just part of life and growing up.   Sometimes, the best way to detox is to throw stuff away.   My 13 year old self would not believe I would be giving myself this advice, but it's true 13 year old me.   We're throwing stuff away and you're going to like it.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love my creative chaos as much as the next person and it's all very nice to have that freedom of putting things anywhere, but sometimes you just need to contain it to boxes.   And really I guess that was all I was really looking for.  Because I mean things were getting everywhere and I just I couldn't think with all the things thinking at once and being like "Hey, we need lives too.   You're gonna pay attention to us right?" 

On the list of successful things I've done today, that has not been the only thing though.  I got a photo done.  And I got my dance paper turned in.   Not sure if the paper made any sense or I just repeated the one sentence in different words a bunch of times, but who know?   I don't even care.   I'm just gonna be superfly right now and just be like "fuck it, I get what I get"  I know that's not a great attitude to have towards classwork, but it's been a long semester and I just want to finish.   I however, have not, started on my makeup morgue which I actually need to get cracking on.   So I suppose tomorrow when I have free time I should do that.  

For right now, I'm going to count the little things.   I've been very good about getting stuff done on time and when it needed to be turned in.   So I have confidence in myself that I'll do it this time too.   Just can't worry.

Seriously, being in a clean room makes me really relaxed and it didn't even take that long.  Only a couple of hours and most of that was sorting through some of the junk that I was like, um, I should probably throw this out already and I already have that file stored on my computer, I can junk it.  But hey, sometimes you just got to think about those moments.

Hope everyone had a great day and I wish you all the best for tomorrow. 

Beda: Day 24: Successes.

There were lots of successes today.   School work while not being especially kind to me, does provide me with that key motivation toward success.    Even in creative projects like this one, probably most especially in creative projects like this one because I get so inspired when I have to do something else that I don't want to do, that I can't help but come and write at my computer for hours, in the name of career and art.

But today in English we took a citizenship test which I knew I could past most of it.  I knew I knew most of the answers and even with just these thirty questions, there was a good sampling of easy and hard questions, but evne hearing some of my class mates try to declare that there were 52 states today just made me weep a little bit.   These are all people registered with the state to go to college, so they are all residents and they don't know how many freaking states there are.   I mean above all other things at least know how many freaking states there are.   Have a little dignity.

Then there was acting where I got to act like a mean southern lady which never ceases to be of enjoyment.   It was just something to be marveled at.   I think we pulled it off rahter well, especially being one of the first female couples to go on.   

And then it was home to do my dance paper and that took for freaking ever.  Partially because it took forever to even work up the motivation to get to it and then I had to be looking for little plug in points and it just wasn't fun.   I mean eventually it got finished, but dear god the whole thing is a meshugunah.   And yes, I probably partially mad that word up, but you know what? Don't care.   Not my problem.   So yes, that's done though and it's so fantastic.   Especially for getting some of these assingments on Monday, I think I did reasonably in coping with the pressures of everything.

But overall, very kind of calm day, there were just a lot of assignments that I did not find highly amusing and you know what?  I'm in college and these things happen, but I just need to remember to take a deep breath and just float alone like the wonderful butterfly that I am.

Hope you guys thoroughly enjoyed your night and are going to have a good morning because seriously, I need to bed right now.   And this is goodbye.

Bye x,
Love you.

Beda: Day 23: Failure.

So yes, technically I failed for Day 23 but I was really busy with other things like writing upwards of four papers during the day, creating two video blogs, and still not picking out two of my three monologues I have to do.   I'm sorry, things got in the way and I got so tired I forgot about BEDA, but it won't happen again.   I'm actually really proud of myself up till this point.   I've only missed one day on both BEDA and PADA and I'm still even going back and making it up to myself because I need the consolation of thirty.

Beda: Day 16: A Rage Within?

Okay, so I've changed my background.   And to be quite honest, I'm not sure if I'm happy with it.  I mean I like the color of it, but I don't know, maybe it's the pattern or how there is not a lot of color in it, that's not agreeing with me.  But I'm not totally in favor of it.   But I did want something that was new and different and for now, that seems to be circles.   Tell me if you hate it, please?  Because if you hate it then I'll change it right away, but for right now, I guess it can stay.   Maybe I'll get used to it and like it for awhile.   I'll give it about till day 20 in BEDA and if I'm still not impressed then we're going to be changing, how about that?

So today, I got to play with clay which is one of the most thrilling experiences I've had in College.   Like I've met a lot of cool people and learned a lot of really neat things but really, none of that comes with the thrill factor of getting to work with some clay.   I mean I just love it.   I find it to be really relaxing and soothing and knowing what i'm doing is always a plus.  That's always fun.   I really enjoy that part. 

Mondays and Wednesdays are my very artistic days.   I go from Stage Makeup to Dance class which I currently just kind of watch, because of my bummed out leg, and then I go to Anthropology in which we are doing a facial reconstruction which starts out very artistically.   And so I do enjoy that part of my week.   It's very fulfilling to sit there and go to class and just have my mind exploded with all of this art.  Because ultimately that's what I want to do with my life is to create some kind of art.   I've said it before but it really can't be overstated.  I want to come out of somewhere and go that's what I want to do everyday and that's never happened if it hasn't been for my art.

Tomorrow I have to wear a skirt or a dress.   I'm still debating.  I was supposed to decide tonight but obviously that didn't happen.   I wish it had, but I can't exactly beg for anything.   Still, I just hope my partner knows her lines and everything goes smoothly.   Seriously, I might get violent if it doesn't because I worked really hard on this scene for it to be wasted by another person.   That's just not going to happen.   I won't let it.   I refuse to let someone sink my ship.   And maybe she had a good reason for bailing on me, but I can't really ever see that when she had more than enough oppurtunities to schedule with me, but didn't.   And yes, I was a little bit of a bitch and didn't answer her text today, but I was legitimately in class and that's exactly what I'm going to tell her tomorrow.   She doesn't like, she can suck it.

Oh and this was nearly late, because I almost forgot about it, but hey it's all good now right?  Because I got to you guys and you guys got a nice long slightly rant-y diatribe about what's happening in my life.   Sorry bout that.  Maybe it'll be different tomorrow.

Beda: Day 12: Sitting, Internet, Theatre, and Books.

So today, I'm going to try and not be all cross even though I want to be.  Because that's wrong and you guys don't deserve it.  Not everything in my life is bad but sometimes it feels that way.   And really in the scheme of things, today was a relatively good day.  I just did a lot of useless sitting.   And that's something that I really kind of hate.   I mean I LIKE sitting, but I don't want to just sit.  I want to do something.  I want to be learning something or actively doing something of my choosing.

When I'm at school and have these longs breaks where I'm just sitting around, I'm more passive than at any point in my life.   It's just not fun to sit around and do the cool things when you think everyone in the building could potentially run over and look over your shoulder.   And that's just, that's really not something you ever want to have happen.  It's not fun.   So I spend most of my time refreshing Youtube or going on some of the safer sites.   I still keep my twitter up in the background, but there are things that I just don't get to do at school which is not what I want to do.   Then to top it off, today, my scene partner bailed.   And this was honestly one of the most important days that she could have bailed on.   And it just boggles my mind.   I mean short of open heart surgery she really should have pushed it off until later and come because she's not only affecting her grade, but mine.

But thankfully Tim understood about the entire situation.   He really is a lovely man and I cannot say enough good things about him.   I can't wait for tomorrow when I get to see Cabaret as a patron of the arts.  I've heard really good things about his rendition and so many of my friends are in the play and it's just so exciting.   More exciting than anything you guys can possibly imagine if you aren't in the realm of the theatre.  It isn't like a movie premiere, it's something quite more altogether, I think for everyone involved.   So yeah, that's a thing in my life. 

But other than that, I started a new book, that I'm about a quarter of the way done with.   I need to read more over the summer, which actually shouldn't be a problem.   I'm a fairly fast reader when I don't have school to interfere with things.   So yes, I'm not technically behind yet, but I was very close to being if I didn't read a book this month and I have so that is very good.   I need to find some new books...and convince my mom to let me buy some new books.  Because yeah, I want more books.   I want so many books and I just don't know where to start crossing books off the list.   Seriously my main two expenditures in adult life: books and food.   Who would buy anything else?

Maybe in a couple of days, for BEDA, I will do a book review.   Who knows?   I certainly don't.  These things go day by day and now I think I'm going to write some more.

Beda: Day 11: The Freaking Fire Alarm.

So today was an interesting day.  I didn't really have time to tell you guys about it earlier.    Well, technically that's not actually true.  I did have time.   I was just using that time to start writing a work of fictional lit.   Which is fine.  That's what I do.  You guys know I like doing that.   Because you have seen "Enigma" because I posted it here.   So you guys know about me being that kind of person.  But no, that wasn't even what it was all about.

So I went to Stage Makeup and we did eighteenth century ladies which always becomes this garish almost clown like makeup because these women were crazy.   And that was all good.   The results of that are in the vlog today and so it should be really good.  I think I'm going to unlist the clip of me taking all the makeup off.  I think that would be interesting for people to see.   I just don't know what's being discussed on the clip or what is possibly playing on my computer because it's quite possible that I'm playing music in the background. 

But yeah, I took the makeup off and got all of my stuff ready and I'm watching my bestie braid another friend's hair when THE FREAKING FIRE ALARM GOES OFF.  In the theatre building.  Last time that happened, I had like a whole cast of actors taking care of me and freaking out.   Because I'm epileptic and they love their stupid flashy lights for the fire alarm at school.   And my teacher was like oh, it's not a big deal and then we had to explain the whole thing which needless to say freaked her out a little bit.   But I got outside safely and without having any problems.   The strangest part was that they didn't know it was going on.   They had no clue what was going.   What happened?  Still not even sure. 

So I was a little bit anxious, but we were allowed to go back into the building and so me and my bestie went to dance class and it went off again right as I set down my stuff.   I headed out the doorway only for them to tell me it was a false alarm.   Now, needless to say, I'm like always accompanied when there is a fire alarm going off in the building because I pretty much have to stare straight down at the ground or close my eyes and need someone to guide me.   So this is a little insane.   But I got out of dance class because I didn't need to be around that and it was only that building that was going off.  Hopefully, they'll have fixed it by tomorrow.

But yeah, so I wrote for a long while.   Because I had wanted to do that for a couple of days and I just had a couple of things that I needed to that got in the way.  But today I got to write 1000 words.   So that was fun.   I really like getting into that zone where I can just type away.   It's a nice feeling.   And talking about that, I want to get back to it, so I'll see you soon.  

Beda: Day 4: Allergic Reactions

So today I was sick for a while.  I'm actually probably still sick.   That's the horrible thing about being sick is that it doesn't really just go away.   You have to barrel through it.   And you know, if it was just that I may have survived without medication.   But as always things couldn't be that f'ing simple.

So for those of you who don't know I take a stage makeup class.   In the time that I've been in this class I've never used the spirit gum till today which was honestly probably a good thing.   It's a special adhesive used for sticking stuff to skin and stuff for the screen and stage because sometimes you have to look a little different.

Today, our assignment was to do a scar which we did on our inner forearm which is a very reachable place and also probably a lot less sensitive than face skin.   So I got my scar made out of tissue done and i paint some of the spirit gum on my arm, not a big deal.   Lay down the scar, still not a big deal.   Everything goes fine until I start to put the massive amount of spirit gum it takes to keep this magical scar in place at which point my arm starts to itch.

I didn't really think anything of it.  I have sensitive skin that can change what it likes and dislikes on a dime.   So I just thought I was being a wuss about this, until I took the scar off, at which point where it had been laid started forming a rash.  And people started freaking out around me.   So yeah, I took my spirit gum remover which was within reach and basically got it off as quickly as I could and then the rash went down which was good, turned out to be just an irritant that I have to be careful of.   I love being in the theater but having sensitive skin is really hard in the business.   Just have to live and learn.  And that's what I've done. 

Doesn't seem as scary now, but it certainly did in that moment when everyone else was freaking out about me which normally doesn't happen at all.

Beda: Day 3: Compliments and Hard Work

With my latest blog post about how i've been horribly procrastinating on my assignment which is do tomorrow, I've become a little more confident in things.   I've done some beautiful work in the past twenty four hours, typing reviews and printing articles like a boss. 

Honestly, I think I needed someone to be responsible to.   I know it seems weird, but since I posted that blog I've had that feeling of "someone will be disappointed in me if I don't do this." and so I've done it.  I knew I needed to do it before and I even knew that the deadline was tomorrow, I just didn't do it.   Not until I really set myself up to do it.  Which meant telling the entire world about what I haven't done yet.   And yes, I'm a little bit ashamed of myself for having to stoop to that level, but it gave me the encouragement I needed.  

Now, I've got twenty-five articles done with just five more to go to review.   Compared to the fact that none were done before this week, I put that in the plus column.   I can do things that I don't like to do, I just have to work harder at them and have the inspiration to do them.   Which is why I love the internet sooo much.   I pretty much live here and you guys are my roommates ready to call me out on not doing my shit.   Because you won't take it.  People want to see the best for me.   And that's what I get just from writing these little BEDA blogs on the internet.

On a more positive note of schoolworthy things, I got my critique back from my professor in acting for my shakespeare monologue.   Let me first preface this whole paragraph with the fact that I've known this man for three semesters and he makes me want to be better.   I've always taken what he says to heart.   I like his feedback, I think it's insightful.   Most of all, I just respect him so much.   He gave me the best review he's given me.   And anything else just vanished.   All the crap I dealt with during the day, it just went out into the universe because he cared about my work and liked it.   And he's a teacher that I know wouldn't just blow smoke at me because he thinks it would make me feel better.   He really is committed to seeing all of his actors do their best work.

School is one of those things I find so enamouring.   I find the idea that I can learn so many new skill sets just a wonder.   I want to learn as much as I possibly can and it makes me feel like the absolute best to be in a class with people who care.   So far, I've been very lucky in that I've met people and had classes that I really truly cared about.   There was one class that was hard and I didn't really care about, but it was the exception to the rule.  I find that I might be the only person I know who shares that opinion of school.   There is so much to explore and learn out there, why wouldn't you want to have that knowledge?  With so many things to do, why not try them all?

Beda: Day 2: Procrastination

Okay, so I'm reminded of a joke from a meekakitty video.   She said that her choir teacher told it.   He would ask "Who here is good at procrastination"....and then people would raise their hand and then he would say "Then, why do need to keep practicing it?" 

And yeah, I kind of wish that I had someone ask me that like a week ago when I should have been doing all this work that I'm doing right now.   Thankfully, good news is that I got all the printing done and now it's all writing the write ups.   Well, it's getting there.   From the time this is coming to you, I've probably been working on the writing for about an hour or two and I've gotten about half of it done.   And yeah, it's amazing what kind of fire you can get in when the fear of failing gets to you.

And I've always known I work the best under this kind of pressure that I have a deadline and I have to get it done and if I don't buckle down and do it immediately, that nothing will be done and there will be consequences.   But usually I have at least some of it done before the mass writing spree that is things that I do.  So yeah, I'm feeling a little stressed.   I did however get PADA and VEDA done for today before I settled into the thick of the article reading and stuff.

This is the first like really intensive project that I've had to do this semester and I feel a little bad for letting it slack for as long as I did, but it's not like there's something that I can do about it and at the end of the day if this is what I need to, I guess there's no arguing with that.   And it is good for my skin.   The crazy skin I have which constantly craves the stress.   Seriously, on Spring Break and relaxing weekends and stuff, I break out but such is not the case when I've got four major projects going on at the same time.   So anyway, yeah.   I just needed to talk about that. 

Because yeah, my life for the next couple of day is going to be articles whenever I can.   Hope this assignment comes out okay. :]

A Truly Simple Message

Running a blog, vlog, and going to school can be hard, but I'm determined.   With the recent influx of things to do, I still want to find time to record my life.  I know it seems strange but this is what our generation is about.   We have our entire lives recorded in some way and this is mine.  I want you guys to know the intimate details of my life.   Because I feel safe here on the internet.

And some people may not like that I'm doing this, but it's my way of expressing what I feel needs to be expressed and I say to those people who take issue SUCK IT!  I'm not about cowtowing to anyone's needs but my own.   I have a belief system that works and whether you think it is right or wrong is not my problem.

I'll make mistakes.   I'll say it.   I'm not afraid of it.   I'm a human just like you and I'll make mistakes and say things that I didn't mean or that are factually wrong or aren't something that you agree with.   I'm also honest, sometimes to the point of cruelty, but I fear what our culture becomes when we aren't honest with each other.   Especially with the blanket of anonymity of usernames and comments.  

With all that said, I think it's very clear that there's one thing I don't tolerate: Bullshit.   Yep.   There is nothing you can do to make me angrier than to make up shit stories and stuff and do things that in any moral view are wrong.   I'm not picking on disabled people and neither should you.   Now, this is a personal belief but it's just an example.   I will call you out.   Because I don't have time to put up with what other people say and trying to beat around the bush.   If you say something that bothers me, I will tell you and I don't do it because I'm homophobic or sexist or racist or any other manner you could be discriminatory.  I don't see the world through those kinds of lenses.  

At the end of the day we only have so much time here on this planet and I don't want to spend it regretting not being honest.  For me the bigger issue that I often get called things without a second glance because I've just been honest with someone.  And while I see through the lens of honesty, sometimes it can be tricky navigating all the relationships I have.   But I hope that our relationship is clear.  I'll be an open book with you and you'll know exactly how I feel.   Things just need to be said and I hope that at least some people out there agree with me.

I have a first world problem

Sorry, for a quiet evening without me, but I'm back and I have more to tell you than ever.   After the first week of school is done, it just seems weird, not to talk bout it.   I'm really lucky to have great classes this year, unfortunately, some of them are quite expensive.   I've been spending money left and right to get this or that and soon enough, I'm going to get tired of it.  And I think I already have.

Today's college rant is mainly a  life rant.   I love shopping online.  I think it's great.  I buy all my textbooks this way and I love to just look.   I like looking at the pretty stuff I can get online.  Comes with the lifestyle I'm accustomed to, I guess.   But last night I ran into a bit of a first world problem.   I'm taking a stage makeup class and I needed this high end theatrical makeup set.   People use it all the time and the cost of is between 50 and 70 dollars normally.  Alarming but not bad.   Now, the only place to get in town was way in the middle of our downtown and I don't drive.   So I figured, hey, online shopping here we go.

So I got to my favorite online seller, Amazon to see if they had this kit.  They were currently out of stock.  Drats, but not a big deal.   So I type in "Ben Nye Theatrical Creme Makeup Kit" to produce some results of where else I could get it.   I found a site.   about 45 to 50 bucks.   Awesome, I'll take it.   I go through the big schpiel from the company about putting my information in and then go to the the select shipping page.   The lowest they had the shipping for was 35 dollars!!  I mean for 35 dollars I expect you to be hand delivering it to my house.   So I went somewhere else.   And I found it again and put my information in and did this a couple more times before realizing, I just needed to find the cheapest shipping for this thing.   Which ended up being 12 dollars.   That was a fifth of the entire cost of the makeup.  

And I realized last night that I have a serious Amazon pampering.   I get free two day shipping for any and all purchases through my prime membership and I get four dollar overnight shipping.  So what I'm saying is that I've recently come to see how much I depend on Amazon for all my needs as an online shopper.   And it's worth it.   I always get great customer service and find that people are always willing to help.  

Aside from the cost involved in this semester, it's going well.   Kicking off the first week, I've already become a little less afraid of myself as an actor.   I really do enjoy it so much.  I find it absolutely fascinating that my first cold read of the semester and I did great.  I loved it.   I enjoy having that time to just let go of me and become someone else.   Speaking of which, I should probably get started on my homework.   I have a monologue due next thursday and I hope it goes well.    But in truth I also got the book of the play from Amazon too.  God, I'm such a sucker.   Well, that's all for now.   Ta tah.

DFTBA darling,
Nina and her BloggedLife