Experiencing a Moment

Some experiences take a long time and some happen all at once.  It's this brilliant way of being human that is so fantastic and so incredibly strange, but in all of its glory, very very beautiful.

It's not that I've never noticed this before.  I notice it all the time, but somehow today, it seems worth talking about.  Maybe it's because I've had so many experiences today that I've generally been truly grateful for.  

I've gotten to go and see a great person and share my stories.  I've gotten retweeted by someone I care about their opinions.  I've gotten to see one of the nicest and cleanest roadside stops on probably this face of the planet.  These are all really kind of instant things but they've all built from little things in me.   They've all built up from a string of incidents in my life.

The stories are something I'm proud of, but I don't want to share them with my family.  I think I'm scared of their judgment because I like them.  This is my talent and I like it too.   I mean there are these two things that I want so much for people to like and it's just hard blending those two things together. 

Getting to share those stories with soemone who cared, it might be something to take the chance on.  Maybe I should just email them to her and get her opinion.  I don't know how they are right now and who knows maybe she has some inspiring piece of story to help me along in my career.

With the idea that I've got someone who I like replying to me on twitter, I've liked a lot of things.  I like people.  I like things.   And I've gotten into a crazy world that I adore.  And I've met people I adore through it.  So when someone new and good comes into this circle, it's great.  As an actor, he's wonderful and seeing him vlog was just something amazing, it's a little piece of what I like in people. 

And I feel I need to tell people that I care.  I love people.   They need to know that their work is flourishing and the idea that comment made an impact makes me smile.  I've never wanted anything in my life other than to make comments that matter and/or touch people in a personal way.

That cleanest rest stop, well, let's just say i've seen walmarts smaller than it.  It's a place where people are connected by this crazy idea that they're all going somewhere.  They are all meeting family or friends or going to a new place and it's all just everyone is connected by this strange happiness.  It's happiness is reflected in it's ability to defy all expectations of rest stops and be bright and shiny.

Maybe we've all been exactly where I am now.  Maybe we haven't.  All I know is that life is crazy and complicated and beautiful in ways that I've never expected and that makes it fun.  Life is always worth living, even if someone tells you otherwise.  Maybe especially then.  Enjoy the experience and the ride because it's all crazy but no one gets to make your artwork.  You have that job.  Make it what you want to be.   And mine, well it's bright colors and wonderful pattern. 

Love Ya,
Nina x

Novel Excerpt: Novel As of Yet Untitled

Okay, so let me tell you a little bit about this, it's an excerpt of my novel as the title suggests and the basic rundown is that it is about a woman caught in the middle of three love stories that kind of collide into each other.  This is one of the really sad moments.

I was determined to make that day more productive with everyone. I wanted everyone to be a little bit happier and I tried to do that. No one really noticed. Jon was distracted by his damn phone all day and it was driving me crazy. I didn't say anything. I didn't want to set things off again. God, it was really hard though.

When I came home and saw Don though, he didn't really want to do anything either. He was either busy researching or doing some work. I wasn't even sure where they had gone, but they certainly left me behind.

I let it go on for a few days like that, until I was just done with it. I was done with them both. I was done with the way they were treating me and how this was coming out. I was not someone they could idly toss away like a gum wrapper. I knew that I would have to do something drastic with each of them. Jon was fairly easy. I would just not go to work. Don was a little harder to plan for because I had never really wanted to get his attention this badly. I didn't know what worked on him. I would have to find it.

So on Friday, I didn't go into work. Donovan looked a little confused when he left for work. He didn't ask but he knew something was up.

My normal time for being at Jon's came and went. He called and I didn't answer. This was the way things had to be, I told myself. You have to keep up this or he won't get it. He facebooked and I deleted the messages. He DMed on twitter and I didn't bother. I had to cut him off from everything. Eventually he would come around. He stopped everything for awhile. I could tell he was trying to work without me. It lasted than it normally did, but that wasn't really surprising to me. He had built up some tolerance for being on his own but he would come around.

I did other things while he tried to work. I watched television. I cooked lunch for myself. I put my hair up. I looked up actors. Anything to not give into the urge to go to him. It was always like this. It was a battle but I would do it. I would do it.

At about Four in the Afternoon, my doorbell rang. I fluffed up the pillows and arranged them perfectly and let it wait for a minute.

The ringing became more incessant and I smiled. I went over and opened the door and he just walked on in. I had won. I had won. He was over here. He couldn't stand it. “What the hell is wrong?” He asked, a little angry but I tried not to let it hurt. I knew it was for the best. I knew that this was what he needed. He only yelled and he was only angry because he cared about me.

“What's wrong? You mean beside you and Don completely acting like I'm not even here? Besides that there's nothing wrong.” I told him.

He looked hurt. “I don't do that.” He admonished.

“Yes, you do, Jon. You were so distracted with your phone yesterday that you didn't even care what I had to say. I know because during that time you promised to take me and Don to the eiffel tower.” I told him.

“What?” He asked.

I shook my head, “That's exactly my point. You didn't even care. I need to be able to give myself over to you and if you're not going to listen to me, I'm not going to come to work. You knew that this was coming.” I told him.

“What happened with you and Don?” He asked.

I didn't want to talk about that with him, not right now, “Babe, I love you, I want you to know that, but Don and I right now is something completely different than me and you. And right now, I'm dealing with you, so we're not talking about it.”

“Look, I'm sorry for the phone thing, I'll try to stop.” He said.

That made me angry. He wasn't even going to give me a straight answer. “Look, this isn't about trying this, is about actually stopping. Who were you texting or whatever anyway?” I asked.

He looked like he might lie to me for a minute. I didn't even want to hear that kind of thing, “Look, Jill, it's not that simple.”

“How is it not that simple? I asked you a simple question. Who are you texting that's taking time away from our work time? That's a simple question with a simple answer.” Why couldn't he even tell me what I wanted to know. Why couldn't we get to the bottom of this? That's all I wanted. So we could work together in awesome harmony together again.

“I can't tell you. You'll get mad.” He said.

“I'm more mad that you won't tell me than whoever it could possibly be. So why don't you just spit it out?”

“Fine, but don't say I didn't warn you.”

“Fine.”

He looked at me like he still wasn't sure. God, this killed. I wasn't even sure I could handle it, “I've been texting Jayne. She's really nervous and she likes having someone she can talk to. She's just been hard on her luck lately, Jill.”

I just sat there and blinked at him. He wasn't telling me something. And it was killing our relationship. That phone and Jayne and all of it was killing our relationship. “It's not just that she's nervous.” I told him. I didn't even ask.

“No, technically not.”

I was furious and up to my eyeballs in the “technically” crap from everyone. I was done with it.

“Just cut the crap, tell me the truth Jon. You know as well as I do, I'm not dumb and I know something is going with you” I shouted.

“I'm sleeping with her. We're dating.” He said. It was like a slap in the face.

“Get out.”

“What?” he asked. He didn't even know what was happening.

“You heard me. Get. Out.” I didn't even look at him.

“You've got to be kidding me Jill,” He said. I didn't even want him in here. I wanted him gone. I wanted to cry. I wanted him to just understand that this was a lot to go through right now.

“You can't even telling me that you're dating her before you ignore me. Get. Out. Of. My. House.” I said as a lone tear streamed down my face. It couldn't even wait.

“Jill,” He said and he tried to make it up. I couldn't even take it.

“Go. Away.”

I never understood what people meant about being heartbroken until that day. Donovan didn't come home until late and I was wrapped up in our comforter, tear tracks stained on my face, eyes red and puffy, and he didn't say anything.

That was when he started figuring things out. Something was wrong.

I didn't even want to get out of bed the next day. I didn't want to go to work. So I didn't. Donovan brought me coffee. I didn't drink it. I didn't do anything. I just kind of stayed there in my caccoon and cried and ate a little bit.

He didn't call, didn't text, didn't facebook, didn't twitter, didn't email, didn't come over.

Part of me was upset with how pathetic this looked, but I hurt and I couldn't even find the will to get very far. I got my computer and started writing again. I did what I had to do. I kept emails short and impersonal when sending them to Jonathan. He did the same. We were detached from each other. We didn't even look like we cared.

Thoughts on Resolutions

Hi darlings,
 It's me again. I know, I haven't been keeping very good track of what I'm doing and I'm genuinely sorry for that. Now, I will try to update you guys at least once a week with the various comings and goings of my week.

I've realized very recently...like today recently, that I'm very nearly done with my new year's resolutions. I had three very specific ones and they're all very close to me. I wanted to read more, so I set myself the challenge of 15 books for the year. That way I wouldn't be too burdened during the school months and stress myself out more but I was actively seeking books to read and finding myself in a good place. I think I'm about three off that score. I'm about a fourth of the way through another book and have a couple rereads that I want to go through. So all in all, that should be done by the time I go back into school in the fall.

The next goal I set for myself is to write a novel this year. Well, that looks like it is rapidly approaching completion because I've started Camp NaNoWriMo. I'm now about 42K words into the whole thing and about 21K into my actual NaNoWriMo part of that. Which means I'm about half way done with nano part. This makes me super excited because seriously, it took me the first twenty years of my life to write a full length novel and now I've almost written two of them. That's a freaking craziness. By the time I reach twenty one, I could have written almost three novels. That just totally blows my mind away. It makes me so proud.

The other one I haven't really done is getting through all of the vlogbrothers videos and make Nerdfighter Challenge videos on it. Even then, I got through the first year which was probably a very good chunk of them. About 200 or so videos. So I'm pretty happy about all that.

The thing about all of these things is that I would have never gotten them done any other year. I never would have had the willpower. Being in college made me different yes, but more than that, meeting these people, these internet people, who inspire me everyday to do better has helped me so much. It makes me want to be a better person. It makes me want to achieve my dreams. And I'm so proud of that. People give the internet a pretty bad kind of name, but I love it so much. I love the people I get to see everyday because of this great technology.

So since it's June and it's the halfway point in the year, how do you think you are doing on your new year's resolutions? any outstanding progress? if so, what's it attributed to? and if not, why do you think that is? I mean it's a marathon, that's true but sometimes it feels so good just to get that sprint out of the way, that you don't know what it was like just going so slowly. You want to feel that floating sensation everyday.

DFTBA darlings,
Nina x

It's Been Awhile

It's been more than a week and I'm sorry for that.  I will try to keep a bit better tabs on this thing.  But let's talk about this week and why I've been a bit too busy to entertain you.  The main reason is that I contracted the tiny chickens disease.

For those of you who are not nerdfighters, that means I came down with a cold.  What happened was kind of like this.  Day one: Bad Headaches.  Day Two: Bad headaches and appetite kind of out of wonk. Day Three: Snot and Crap. Day Four: Oh my god, please let me die, because this is just horrible.  So yeah, I have been sick now for about a week and things are finally starting to turn up.  There's no headaches.  Finally, there's starting to be less snot and stuff, but the chickens seem to be evacuating my nasal cavity so that is all good.

The other things are that I like to be extremely loud when I type so on Sunday on the worst of me being sick, we (meaning me, my three younger siblings, and our five dogs) were relegated to the upstairs and had to be super effing quiet because my mother was filming in our downstairs which was more or less a nightmare for me.  So typing was basically, in my room, trying to be as quiet as I possibly could while being sick and kind of just hating life in general.

On monday, I went to go babysit some kids and just didn't think to blog.  Probably wouldn't have been that interesting anyway.

But I have also finished another book to add to the Books I've read collection page, so I'm glad to have done that.  I read Maureen Johnson's "13 Little Blue Envelopes" and it was FANTASTIC.  It was an easy read.  I started it on Monday and finished it today but I really only read in chunks of like one or two hours.   So that was nice.  It was really super quick and something I would recommend to a few people.   Because it was like being on an adventure without having to pay for it.

Oh, I've also written words.  I don't know if I told you last time how many words I was at, but currently I'm at 18K, almost 19K and so it's going along smoothly.  Once I finish it, I will tell you what it's about but the crazy thing about my brain is that I don't like to tell anyone.  I keep the goal inside or else I'll never do it.   And so I thank you guys for your patience, but it's gonna be here I promise.

Video blogging is a thing I should get back to.  I haven't done it in awhile and that's something I want to do again.  I wasn't going to do it while I was sick and there was a couple of other things that were just affecting a lot of stuff.  But I'm back on being on the road to completing things.   Hopefully, you'll see me soon.

DFTBA Darlings,
Nina x

Writing and Design.

With all the craziness of school and a couple of other things, I've neglected my poor little blog and I'm sorry for that.  My dad is leaving tomorrow and I've already had the pangs because I know he's going to leave.   And that kind precognition does not make things easier.   As I've grown up and understood more of the fatality around the world, it gets scarier to let him go without a swell of emotion.   But this isn't entirely about that.   This is about being in a place where I can write again.

I'm writing what could concievably become a book.   I've written about 6K in words and I'm very excited for this.   Because it means I'm writing again.  And it doesn't mean it's great, but I just want to get back into it.  I want to say this first and foremost, my books don't particularly mention race, so they could be given to the mind's eye as whatever color the reader feels comfortable with, but in my mind, I've always seen them as white.  It's not because I don't like other races, it's just that's what I'm most comfortable with.

I feel like if, hypothetically, I were really rich and famous from my books and I were to come out and say that even though my books do not portray skin color as a defining factor of that I might be ostracized because I don't care.   I mean the color of the person on the book doesn't really matter to me so much as the people inside the book.   And I tend to get books that have less of a person on them and more with an abstract design that totally represents some part of the book.  It's not that I don't like books with people on the covers, because that's not true, but it's just something I've been thinking about.

Because I eventually want my books to go into print and I want them to be accessible to all readers, not just the ones who pick it up because they like the person on the front of the book.   That's silly.  I don't like to do it that way.   But I'll be updating you guys on how this is going and hopefully it will become something wonderful.

Let's just say that if I could finish two novels this year, I would be extremely happy.  I would be over the moon.   That would just be so incredible.   I've always wanted to do this.  I've always wanted to be a novelist, but up until recently, I've never found that I could complete them.   Maybe this has started a new chapter in my life and if it has, I'm incredibly excited to see where it leads because this is just as much of a mystery to me as it is to you.   Thanks for being with me.   Thanks for taking the time and knowing I had to relax.  I'll always come back to you guys though.  I always do.

Beda: Day 30: Thoughts from the end.

So this is the last Blog in a row for BEDA but there's a lot going on.   I want to do a lot and this blog was certainly one of the best things that I've done in a long time.  Doing a bunch of creative projects at the same time, while having to deal with pesky things like finals and family.

Still in the place that I've been put in, I can't say I'm not glad to have it be done with the whole thing.  I mean I've been having some trouble keeping up with the whole thing.   I want to just sleep and relax a little and while not doing the blog for a couple of days might let me do that, it's more about the fact that I'm going to be done very soon with the finals and things.

It is really nice having this blog though to record my voice and thoughts.   It'll be nice to get back to it eventually.   Hopefully, it won't be too long before I get back to it.   Because enjoyment is the spice of life and I'm getting it from doing this.   Even just typing the words on the keyboard gives me some joy.  

I haven't been especially creative this month in anything else other than vlogging and blogging and doing the photo, but I'm doing it.   I'm figuring it out and I think that's all I can ask for.   Just to have it work out.

I hope anyone out there reading this is doing well.   Keep it going and show some love to someone you think could use it.   Because who knows, you could very well make that person's and it's something beautiful.

Living is something that's hard enough, but when we get bogged down with all the crap, it's very hard to see the great things staring us in the face.   And while I'm in that place bogged down with all the crap, it's getting easier to see through the fog.   Being tough is not necessarily my way of life, but it is something I try to do whenever I can.

Beda: Day 15: Philosophical Musings.

So today for everything I've done, I have little to show for it.   And I guess I'm being honest with you guys, that's nice.   That's a good thing.   We've got this anything goes honesty policy here.   I've been a lot more candid in writing stuff than I ever have been on the video blog.  Mainly because I express really well through writing.  I know that I can piss people off even if it isn't my intent in writing and I think that's oddly freeing.   Like I'm so worried about how people perceive me on the video blogs and I take like constant recognition of the numbers, but here it's less of that.  I'm more open and more to the point, I don't really care.

You'd think because of my background and everything that it's pretty much sunshine and roses through my life, but it's not and I accept that as fact.  I accept that as something that happens in my life.   I find that kind of comforting as well.   But I love bright colors and I love fun fonts and that is something that makes me happy.    So if it makes someone else happy even for just a split second and reading my accounts of my day connect with someone than this really has done it's job.   And that's a good thing.   I feel a lot more that I don't have to have a lot of stress.    This serves a better ratio of pleasure to words ratio.

In other news that isn't strange and philosophical, I found a great song.   Like freaking fantastic.  It's beautiful and intensely creepy but it's something that I enjoy so much, so I'm going to share it with you.   This is from the guys who made Repo! The Genetic Opera, so you have something to compare it to and if you haven't seen that then you need to get yourself down to a video store and rent it sir or ma'am.

I mean isn't it fantastic?  It's so delightfully creepy.  I can't wait to see if they make this one into a movie like Repo! and if they do I'm going to go see it.   Because it's soo good.  And Terrance Zdunich is so gorgeous in makeup.   Seriously, he's fairly normally looking without it but god, when he has the makeup on, he instantly has hot factor.

Beda: Day 12: Sitting, Internet, Theatre, and Books.

So today, I'm going to try and not be all cross even though I want to be.  Because that's wrong and you guys don't deserve it.  Not everything in my life is bad but sometimes it feels that way.   And really in the scheme of things, today was a relatively good day.  I just did a lot of useless sitting.   And that's something that I really kind of hate.   I mean I LIKE sitting, but I don't want to just sit.  I want to do something.  I want to be learning something or actively doing something of my choosing.

When I'm at school and have these longs breaks where I'm just sitting around, I'm more passive than at any point in my life.   It's just not fun to sit around and do the cool things when you think everyone in the building could potentially run over and look over your shoulder.   And that's just, that's really not something you ever want to have happen.  It's not fun.   So I spend most of my time refreshing Youtube or going on some of the safer sites.   I still keep my twitter up in the background, but there are things that I just don't get to do at school which is not what I want to do.   Then to top it off, today, my scene partner bailed.   And this was honestly one of the most important days that she could have bailed on.   And it just boggles my mind.   I mean short of open heart surgery she really should have pushed it off until later and come because she's not only affecting her grade, but mine.

But thankfully Tim understood about the entire situation.   He really is a lovely man and I cannot say enough good things about him.   I can't wait for tomorrow when I get to see Cabaret as a patron of the arts.  I've heard really good things about his rendition and so many of my friends are in the play and it's just so exciting.   More exciting than anything you guys can possibly imagine if you aren't in the realm of the theatre.  It isn't like a movie premiere, it's something quite more altogether, I think for everyone involved.   So yeah, that's a thing in my life. 

But other than that, I started a new book, that I'm about a quarter of the way done with.   I need to read more over the summer, which actually shouldn't be a problem.   I'm a fairly fast reader when I don't have school to interfere with things.   So yes, I'm not technically behind yet, but I was very close to being if I didn't read a book this month and I have so that is very good.   I need to find some new books...and convince my mom to let me buy some new books.  Because yeah, I want more books.   I want so many books and I just don't know where to start crossing books off the list.   Seriously my main two expenditures in adult life: books and food.   Who would buy anything else?

Maybe in a couple of days, for BEDA, I will do a book review.   Who knows?   I certainly don't.  These things go day by day and now I think I'm going to write some more.

Beda: Day 11: The Freaking Fire Alarm.

So today was an interesting day.  I didn't really have time to tell you guys about it earlier.    Well, technically that's not actually true.  I did have time.   I was just using that time to start writing a work of fictional lit.   Which is fine.  That's what I do.  You guys know I like doing that.   Because you have seen "Enigma" because I posted it here.   So you guys know about me being that kind of person.  But no, that wasn't even what it was all about.

So I went to Stage Makeup and we did eighteenth century ladies which always becomes this garish almost clown like makeup because these women were crazy.   And that was all good.   The results of that are in the vlog today and so it should be really good.  I think I'm going to unlist the clip of me taking all the makeup off.  I think that would be interesting for people to see.   I just don't know what's being discussed on the clip or what is possibly playing on my computer because it's quite possible that I'm playing music in the background. 

But yeah, I took the makeup off and got all of my stuff ready and I'm watching my bestie braid another friend's hair when THE FREAKING FIRE ALARM GOES OFF.  In the theatre building.  Last time that happened, I had like a whole cast of actors taking care of me and freaking out.   Because I'm epileptic and they love their stupid flashy lights for the fire alarm at school.   And my teacher was like oh, it's not a big deal and then we had to explain the whole thing which needless to say freaked her out a little bit.   But I got outside safely and without having any problems.   The strangest part was that they didn't know it was going on.   They had no clue what was going.   What happened?  Still not even sure. 

So I was a little bit anxious, but we were allowed to go back into the building and so me and my bestie went to dance class and it went off again right as I set down my stuff.   I headed out the doorway only for them to tell me it was a false alarm.   Now, needless to say, I'm like always accompanied when there is a fire alarm going off in the building because I pretty much have to stare straight down at the ground or close my eyes and need someone to guide me.   So this is a little insane.   But I got out of dance class because I didn't need to be around that and it was only that building that was going off.  Hopefully, they'll have fixed it by tomorrow.

But yeah, so I wrote for a long while.   Because I had wanted to do that for a couple of days and I just had a couple of things that I needed to that got in the way.  But today I got to write 1000 words.   So that was fun.   I really like getting into that zone where I can just type away.   It's a nice feeling.   And talking about that, I want to get back to it, so I'll see you soon.  

Beda: Day 7: It's been a week.

It's been a week and what a week it has been.   I've talked about a lot of things on this blog, but not really how well the blog is going.   So I guess that's what I'll talk about today because that just seems kind of chill and whatnot.  And I'm always down for chill.   I hope you guys are too.   But since I can't see you and this is my blog, guess what?   Going on with it anyway.

One of the things I've noticed is that I've done these pretty much all late at night, making sure I have something interesting to say to you guys.   I mean I think I may have put my Team Youtube one up a little bit earlier, but not much.  It was still evening when that one went up if it went up earlier than the night because that's how I roll.   I mean I just want to make sure that I capture everything for you guys and this is something that I strive to do.   So I want to make it as good as possible.   But that also means a lot of other things.

Like the potential that I could forget one of these and then lose my challenges, which I don't think so.  Not going to happen.   So yeah, next week my challenge is to get at least two blogs up earlier than evening no later than Day 14.   Maybe we'll make that a habit.   These little challenges keep me motivated to do better and to find more time to write and stuff in my daily life.   Because I'm here for you guys but I'm also here for me.   And what I need is to find some greater confidence about these blogs.

I know not many people, if any people at all read my blogs.   They would much rather watch me on the vlogs, but still this is who I am.  I want to do this so that maybe someone stumbles across this blog and for one second I make their life better.  If that happens, I will have done my job.   So anything to keep it new and fresh and entertaining because entertaining is a whole new ball game for me but something I want to enjoy. 

These have been fairly long though and that's something I'm proud of.   I'm writing because I want to write and that's who I am.   Not because I just thought it would be fun to do a challenge.   No, I really did want to challenge myself and make new content across several fields that weren't getting as much content.   And it's a full job running all of these things but I'm glad I'm doing it.   I'm glad I'm having a good time and doing as much as I can. 

Ulitmately, I'm feeling strong about how little time it takes if you just plan some stuff out and have the confidence to go through with it.  I never thought I would be doing a week's worth of vlogs consecutively but here I am.  I'm growing stronger.   And I hope to keep it going for the next three weeks and three days.

I'm attempting it: BEDA, VEDA, and PADA.

So yeah, I knew for a long time I was going to do VEDA (Vlog everday in April) but really decide to BEDA (Blog Everday in April) or PADA (Photo A Day in April) until well today.   Because I feel like I don't really have a lot going on and I want to spend as much time being creative as freaking possible, I'm doing all three.   I don't really know why.   But here it goes.   The journey begins.

Now I've already done my vlog for today and that was quite curious and kind of funny which I wil embed in this post at the end, and I've already done my picture which can be found at (The Photo Life Nina) , but now it's time for my blog post and rather than introducing for the entire post, I wondered what to write about and then it hit me.   I need to write about those things that really matter to me.   I really want to talk about being creative.

I've never not wanted to be a creative person.   The first job I can ever remember wanting as a kid was a professional writer.  I knew back then that making something, creating, was in my bones.   And I don't really approach that in any kind of special way.  When I want to create something, I do.   I've written excellent stories on this mentality and leaves me unfettered by that pesky writer's block or creativity block most of the time.   I'm not saying that it's not a monster in my life because as a creative person I don't think you can get away from it, but I think that sometimes it's easier to misdirect than it is sometimes portrayed.

That being said that sometimes it's not always the most efficient way to get things done and sometimes I need that schedule because I live for the routine even though that kills me a little bit inside.  So maybe doing this will do some good.  I already know that from filming, making a habit of doing something everyday makes it feel weird when I don't do it.   So let's carry that on into the rest of my creative processes.    Hopefully it won't suck and hopefully some of the gems that come out of this whole mess of creativity, I will be happy with because god knows what will happen if I'm not happy with at least some of it.   Actually nothing will actually happen.   I'm just being dramatic, like I do.

Still, this is a good thing and I'm excited even if it seems all very stressful right now.  Wish me luck! I love you guys and I hope you like this content that will coming at your faces in the next month.

Short Story: Enigma

Sorry for not posting her for a few days, I have been writing, just not blogs.   So without further ado, I would like to introduce my short story that I wrote, called: Enigma.

Things were different. They were always different. When she came into that room, she always got a different reaction. Tends to happen when you have the weight of the world on your shoulders for more than one reason. Still, it was strange for them to all look at her in such uniformity. She didn't understand what was so different about today. They all had different looks to her based on the mission but they never looked like this.

As she reached the desk and typed her username and password onto the computer as the guard stood there and made sure that she did it, she noticed them still staring. That was unnerving. She pushed enter as she keyed the last character on her password and it and nothing came up. Not even an error message. That couldn't be right. She got permission from the guard to log off and do it again as he mechanically set it for another shot for today. Still there was nothing on that computer for her. She called him over again as she showed him the screen. He'd never seen such a thing. “Don't move.” He ordered strangely, but she knew better than to argue with a guard in this room. She'd heard about people who had done that, but no one ever saw them again.

He went over to the side of the room and went out of the door and as it whooshed behind him, it locked again. She sat with her posture stick straight in the chair and awaited his return. They were still staring at her from the high windows. She looked at them back. And now that she looked at them, she was curious. It seemed like there was bigger group than normal.

She'd never seen them gather like this so soon in the year. She wasn't anything special. She couldn't figure out what it was though that was going on. They blinked a couple of times as they noticed that she was staring back at them and they scribbled down a few notes and conferred with each other. This type of behavior was new to her. She wanted to see what it meant but that would require the capabilities of her way more modern technology and even then it was possible that she couldn't find anything. The tribunals were a strange lot that often were misrepresented in the scheme of things. They even sometimes had to have demonstrations to show that some of the information was bogus. It was just kind of routine sometimes. In recent history, a Tribunal had to show the skin of their arms to show people that they weren't different colors.

The guard came back and the door opened suddenly much to the surprise of myself and the Tribunal who turned around quickly and were now more talkative than ever. “They want to see you.” Well, the guard certainly didn't mince words she thought. Wait...who? Who wanted to see her?

So she asked the question. “Who wants to see me?” She looked back at the Tribunal, two members were exchanging glances at her occasionally and then talked in the middle of everything. She looked back at the guard and then looked back at the Tribunal and the guard looked almost sympathetic to her. She didn't even know what was coming to her, but she wasn't allowed to know. Not until she was in there and even then often times, they still didn't know what they were in for.

“You can't know. The matter is of the strictest confidentiality.” The guard told her. He led her to the other side of the room where there was another door. No one she knew ever knew what the other door was for. She figured that she was about to find out.

The guard didn't follow her into the door. He just keyed in the code and told her to go in. The tech on her wrist went back on and she excitedly looked at that little thing and started to key in the words that she needed. She typed it to the only person she could think of, her best friend for years, Quake. It was never understood why Quake had that name, but it seemed to fit. “What is going on?” Is all the message with ironically optimistic signature: to be faced with mystery is like a priceless work of art, breathtaking and unspoken for, but ultimately like looking into the face of God, you never know what you're going to get.

She was prompted to keep going though. She would just have to hope that Quake would be able to explain something of the mystery that was going on. It wasn't Quake's turn to log on to the computer so Quake should respond fairly quickly. Hopefully not deterred by that stupid signature. She thought about it more and more and she found it more and more stupid. Why would she put something like that on her text messages? It just seemed really dumb. Even for her and Quake.

She came to a wall and looked at it. There were no members of the Tribunal looking around her right here. There weren't any windows at this vantage point that they could see her through. She hadn't seen anything mysterious. But she was at a dead end. There was nowhere else to go and no one to prompt her on what to do. What was this place? Why did no one tell her about this? She still didn't know what the hell was going on and right now it was freaking her out. Her comm beeped. She looked at it hurriedly, afraid that something was going to prompt her to do something, although it hadn't yet. She looked at who it was. The little from line had Quake's name. Thank God. “Your signature has more significance than you think. Stay strong and be brave. You're gonna do great. You just have to remember to push yourself to do whatever you can to come back.”

There it was. That was all Quake had to say and that was nothing. That didn't mean anything to her. She put her hand on the wall as she stared at the message on her wrist, that really didn't tell her anything. She was trapped in a white room and all Quake had to say was push? She took that hand on the wall and squeezed it into a fist and pounded on the wall. She was alone. And soon enough, just like in the other room, she knew that she would have no contact with the outside world. Honestly, she was amazed that she got that message from Q. Nothing happened. No Tribunal, no guard, and no Q helping her made her realize that she was alone.

Nothing helped. She tried pushing at the wall, kicking it, punching it, smacking it, even stroking it. Absolutely none of it made a bit of a difference. Was this how they kept the food always in stock for the population? By just kind of locking people up with no food till they went mad and died of something, most likely starvation? Could her own people, known to be pacifists, be that cruel? And then she thought of the guard and the armor that he wore everyday. Didn't seem like something a pacifist would wear. No, something was definitely up and it was definitely up with this room. She almost wondered if she could get Quake on video chat. She looked at her wrist. She didn't know. Maybe, it was worth a shot, but it would be Quake's turn to log in soon and you couldn't be late to that. With the exception that an Offical of one of the many High Councils excused you or one the Tribunal members stood in your favor. Either of those events being likely to happen for Quake for talking to a friend on video chat and being late? Not very likely.

And then she slumped against the wall. She tried not to think about what was gong on, but she had an awful time pulling it together. This was not something she was prepared for even though Quake seemed to think so. And she did the only thing she could think of. She screamed, just to let the emotion out. It was supposed to be therapeutic. At least that was what Dr. Casmira said. And then just like that, she fell into a space that was not the room she was in before.

There were bright colors that she had only seen in pictures before, on the walls. No one ever got to be this bold. The color of walls was regulated by a high council who also assigned living spaces to people. And then on the other side of the room, there was her name. And what should have been on the computer. But why did she have to come all the way over here to get this? She didn't understand why it just wasn't on the computer. She got closer to see it. To really take in what was happening. There had to be something important about this room to her task, otherwise she wouldn't be here. There would be no point and if there is one thing that the Tribunal and the High Councils loved it was that everything needed to have a point. She got just close enough to see that her name was written in the standard form. She also noticed that there wasn't like an actual screen. Instead it seemed rather like a projection. And there was no furniture. She'd been so busy staring at the magnificent color on the walls that she hadn't noticed what was missing right in front of her.

She looked around. There were no windows and no other ways out that she could see, although she knew from experience now, that you didn't always see the exit on first glance or even the second. So she went up to her name, with her chest practically on the wall and touched it. Touched the wall and her name.

A little hologram popped up. “Adalia, welcome. You have been summoned by the Tribunal to discuss your future. The door will open in a moment, but is there anything you would like to know?” The thing said with perfect articulation as if it actually was a real person with a real jaw and those were real words coming out of its mouth. It was just so incredibly strange. The hologram just stood there and smiled like Adalia assumed she did most of her computer generated life. That wasn't a comforting thought. It was actually rather creepy, the further she thought about it.

“Why does no one tell us about this? What's this whole part even for?” Seemed like easy enough questions for the hologram to answer and probably things that she had been asked before by others. Wouldn't be so weird. Maybe she would even get some answers and maybe Quake's message would make more sense. Because even through all this, that whole quote meant nothing to her. She just thought it seemed pretty.

“There are people who are not ready to face what lies ahead. The first rooms are a testament to that. Those who get here are faced where only the elite are selected. Why is a question that you are not permitted to hear the answer to. If you are done with your questions, the door will open, are you done with your questions?” The hologram asked. She said it all very calmly like they weren't gambling on people's lives or something. Wasn't her fault, she was just made that way, Adalia had to remind herself. All machines are fallable to the err of humans. The hologram showed that. It showed its master's bias very clearly on the outside of things.

This may be the only time to get answers to her questions, she needed to make sure that they were all answered though before saying anything else. “No, I'm not done, what awaits me after the door opens?”

“I do not know. Are you done with your questions?” Well, that was never good. People generally reported the good things pretty much without complaint. It was very easy to get good news. Bad news took longer was way more devastating normally. And it all starts out with “I don't know” each and every time. Adalia knew that. She wasn't dumb like some suspected that she might be. She was actually quite resourceful when it would come to the worst. But it hadn't been the worst in a long time and she had never found the need to be resourceful again.

Adalia sighed. It wasn't going to get any easier waiting around here. “Yeah, I guess I am.” And the door whooshed open and the room was open with large windows on this side. And like she figured, the Tribunal was standing in the windows.

She took a breath and stepped into the room, remembering those beautiful colors on the walls and ready to face whatever came of this. Whatever it was, Quake told her what she needed to hear. She had to be ready to look into the face of God. There was a reason that this was never talked about. That signature held a darker meaning here than it did on her texts, but she was ready. This could be the last of many things, but she wanted so desperately to make sure that it wasn't her last breath. She wanted to make sure it wasn't the last time she saw her family and friends. And most of all, she just wanted it not to be the last time she had her sanity at hand.

The Tribunal looked at her as she walked toward the other side of the room. This dead end business was really getting annoying especially when she could see that there was something on the other side. Not like through the wall or anything, but she saw some of the Tribunal members come from behind the wall. Obviously there was something on the other side.

“If you want me to do what you want, you're going to have to put me in the situation that requires me to do it.” Adalia said very simply. They all looked at her like she had something magical. At this point they were furiously scribbling notes and the door opened while they were. No one cared about her. They had done this everyday since she could remember. Only it wasn't in a strange room that had no door, but a strange room that had two doors and a computer in it. They didn't care about you. All they cared about was some mysterious lore that they were writing as they were observing you. You were nothing but a username and password to them. Everyone was anonymous in the eyes of the tribunal. Only that idea didn't give the power to those were anonymous, it stripped them of it.

Taking the next step was hard. The room had a desk with a man behind it, and a chair that was unfilled. She looked around curiously and nothing quite seemed right. This wasn't the sensory overload or deprivation she had been going through. It all felt strangely normal and that didn't seem like a good sign. “Welcome”

“Why am I here? Where is here?” Adalia asked. She couldn't figure out what things were housed with the next obstacle. There were many things that she knew that she wasn't accustomed to in this place, because this was far away from home, even though it geographically, it may not have been very far at all. This whole business was rather frightening but she couldn't let that show on her face. That was ingrained from birth. You only got happier with a smile and if you were happy you should wear that smile at all times. He just motioned for me to sit down and that took me from my thoughts and I sat down kind of helplessly. He didn't look at me for a couple of moments, getting some more paperwork done. Paper. That was strange. People didn't normally use paper except for in school. It showed someone how to use their hands when they wrote with pens on paper. Adalia felt kind of strange just sitting there, so she repeated her questions with the faintest bit of what could be considered urgency “Why am I here? Where is here?”

He looked up at her as if she were dull. “You are here because you are special and you are ready. And here is where we get you to help us.” He said, looking back to the paperwork in front of him. It sure seemed like he wasn't having a hard time with it. Older people often didn't get the concept of the pen and paper as they had in their youth, yet this man seemed to understand it with perfect skill.

“How and what am I to help you with?” She asked, suspiciously. This still was all a big mystery to her. A chance to behold the face of God. A creature of the old world. Maybe even this man was something from the time, though the age of his skin said differently. She looked at her own hands and her own body and was interested in what was going on with her skin. If only it had a voice to tell her what was going on, although, that might have been horrible. There were nights when it was enough to have her own voice in the room. She knew it was all for good measure though. People were to live in separate rooms unless they were pair bonded or caring for a child till the child was old enough to sleep in a room by itself which was regulated by a council by birth year and such.

“You help by going back to the world and we'll send a mass comm through the entire human race, at least the one with tech on their wrists like you, with your signature. It's the key to universe.”

Adalia looked at the little tech on her wrists and thought about her signature again. She didn't get it. That didn't mean anything. It was just something pretty that she had picked up from a book of old times that had long since passed. The old times had ended terribly which is why they ended up with tech on their arms now, to make sure that something like this didn't happen again. “I don't understand. My signature isn't very interesting. It's just a quote from an old book 'to be faced with mystery is like a priceless work of art, breathtaking and unspoken for, but ultimately like looking into the face of God, you never know what you're going to get.' Frankly, it doesn't even make that much sense, but it was happy enough.” She shrugged.

“Young lady, the fascinating part of that signature isn't the words. It's that they are from an old book. Don't you see? No one else would ever in their right mind do that and you did it without even thinking. Which means you've got an evolutionary link that we've been missing and we've figured it out through you doing your tasks everyday.”

Trying to process the information, Adalia looked at him and stared for a moment. There was something about her signature and the way she picked it that was a genetic link to something. She didn't understand all the fancy words. What she did understand was what they were doing. They had hooked the computer to tell her to do things that might isolate that one thing they needed. The one thing that made her special. “So can I tell people about this? About what I saw? I still don't get why people don't tell about this place.” She said looking around. The Tribunal were still standing there and looking at them both. They never did any looking unless it was with a purpose, to jot down some notes or to whisper to one another. “Why are they just looking at us? I mean none of them have notepads or anything.”

“Is that agreement to do this on your part?” He asked with an eyebrow raising up and looking hopeful. “And they are just looking at us, because they want to get out of there just as much as anyone wants to get in there. You're the key to doing that.”

“Yes, I'll do it, but I still want to know if I can tell people about this. About what I saw.” She puzzled on the second part of his notion. He couldn't really mean what she thought he was saying. There was absolutely no way. There just could not be. “I thought the Tribunals and the High Councils liked the world the way it is right now. You mean they're just as trapped as the rest of us to that damned computer? The one that you somehow managed to hijack?!” I don't know why I got that upset that he hadn't done anything for High Powers. It's not like they did anything special for us. Still, it just didn't seem right.

He sighed. “There's no law permitting against people telling about this place, but no one has ever really survived long enough if they got through everything to tell anyone. But you will. You aren't bound by the same rules that everyone else is. And soon everyone else will have that link.” He said, pushing me back from where I came but also coming with me. And the feet above us scurried to many places, just trying to catch a glimpse of us. And he knew that he still had some explaining to do.

We stepped back into the computer room and there was no one there. I didn't know what kind of intervals they came to bring people to the computer. I only knew mine and Quake's which was nowhere close to mine. So we carried on. He put the little message into my comm and started fiddling with the recipients, finally pulling something out of his pocket and aiming it towards my wrist and pressing a button. I was prepared for my wrist to exploded, but nothing happened. Then he told me to click the send button. Turning back officially wasn't an option anymore. Still, we walked a little while and found a bench. I sat and silently begged him to tell me the rest of my answers.

“We've been trapped in this world by the past for ages. We've wanted to change things for so long, but we couldn't figure out how to do it and then you showed up. And you were young enough that it wouldn't seem to the computer that we were doing anything weird. We just typed in commands that it would recognize for you. There was no one else we could have hijacked that computer for. Only you.”

Slowly people came around. Everything seemed different. Everything seemed better. The computer, an ancient piece of controlling technology was no longer our master, but we could instead learn to make our world as we saw fit. I only hoped that world came with a few decent ideas. Because even though our world wasn't perfect, we knew it and accepted it. Who knows what being freed from all that might be like? And then I thought of the signature. The thing that made this life possible. “to be faced with mystery is like a priceless work of art, breathtaking and unspoken for, but ultimately like looking into the face of God, you never know what you're going to get.” And I couldn't help but feel hopeful. That mystery had gotten us through tyranny, maybe it would get us through freedom too. I joined Quake and smiled. “Thank you,” I said.

“For what?” Quake asked, confused.

I laughed. Quake really hadn't known what they did to inspire this whole thing. They probably forgot about the text that they sent earlier. But it didn't matter. I didn't have to tell people about what I had gone through to get this all. “For the mystery.”