Beda: Day 19: The Problem With Person X.

It's early in the morning and we need to talk.   This is something that I would never put on the video blog because this is for the people who really want a deeper perspective on me and this is not something I would really ever share on my video blog.  I've had someone very recently come up, I won't tell you their relation to me or call them by their name because who knows who could be reading this out there, so for now, I want to tell you about person X.   Person X has been in my life for a long time but never really a part of it. 

My problem with Person X is that they don't really seem to care about me.   They don't seem to care about my feelings or interests and due to the somewhat forced bond we have, it's hard to just cut X out of my life completely.   That's what I want to do though.   This person has made no effort to understand who I am as a person.   X doesn't care if they hurt my family members with the way they use their words.  And they just generally have no idea with what's going on in my life.

Normally, if this was anyone else, I wouldn't care.   X, it would seem, is different because they can make the people around me feel inadequate and I'm just I want to be done with it.   We're never going to have the relationship that we should and so I should just be able to drop it, shouldn't I?  I mean there's nothing wrong with people who don't want to be friends and/or family to me.   I'm cool with that.  I don't have to have everyone like me.   What seems to be the problem is that I'm kind of bowing to social pressure by having this relationship with Person X in the first place.

In an ideal world, I could tell Person X to fuck off with their bullshit, that I live my life they way I want to and if they disapprove then they can go marry a squirrel for all I care.  I know that would hurt a lot more people than just Person X though.   Because unfortunately, by doing that, I open up the possibility that they go after someone else that I deeply care about and I'm just tired of it.  I'm tired of hiding but I'm also tired of the fake faces.   Just tell me who you are.   I don't want to guess.  I'm not an audience member and this is not some high art play about the importance of beauty.   This is real life and it shouldn't be as complicated.

I guess the moral of this story is that being an adult blows.   Especially when you realize you can't just tell the bully in your life to go blow some hot air out their ass.   Person X has ceased being important in my life and if they don't want to be their for the defining moments, I don't care.   I have plenty of family and friends who love me just the way I am and couldn't be happier to be at the moments that will make my lifetime up.  Person X, don't be surprised when you're not invited to my awesome wedding.   If you don't accept me now, you'll never accept me when I'm married to a great man or woman of my choosing.   Have a nice life.

It feels good to say it.   If only for a second and with vague details surrounding it.   I'm me and that's all I'll ever hope to be.

Beda: Day 16: A Rage Within?

Okay, so I've changed my background.   And to be quite honest, I'm not sure if I'm happy with it.  I mean I like the color of it, but I don't know, maybe it's the pattern or how there is not a lot of color in it, that's not agreeing with me.  But I'm not totally in favor of it.   But I did want something that was new and different and for now, that seems to be circles.   Tell me if you hate it, please?  Because if you hate it then I'll change it right away, but for right now, I guess it can stay.   Maybe I'll get used to it and like it for awhile.   I'll give it about till day 20 in BEDA and if I'm still not impressed then we're going to be changing, how about that?

So today, I got to play with clay which is one of the most thrilling experiences I've had in College.   Like I've met a lot of cool people and learned a lot of really neat things but really, none of that comes with the thrill factor of getting to work with some clay.   I mean I just love it.   I find it to be really relaxing and soothing and knowing what i'm doing is always a plus.  That's always fun.   I really enjoy that part. 

Mondays and Wednesdays are my very artistic days.   I go from Stage Makeup to Dance class which I currently just kind of watch, because of my bummed out leg, and then I go to Anthropology in which we are doing a facial reconstruction which starts out very artistically.   And so I do enjoy that part of my week.   It's very fulfilling to sit there and go to class and just have my mind exploded with all of this art.  Because ultimately that's what I want to do with my life is to create some kind of art.   I've said it before but it really can't be overstated.  I want to come out of somewhere and go that's what I want to do everyday and that's never happened if it hasn't been for my art.

Tomorrow I have to wear a skirt or a dress.   I'm still debating.  I was supposed to decide tonight but obviously that didn't happen.   I wish it had, but I can't exactly beg for anything.   Still, I just hope my partner knows her lines and everything goes smoothly.   Seriously, I might get violent if it doesn't because I worked really hard on this scene for it to be wasted by another person.   That's just not going to happen.   I won't let it.   I refuse to let someone sink my ship.   And maybe she had a good reason for bailing on me, but I can't really ever see that when she had more than enough oppurtunities to schedule with me, but didn't.   And yes, I was a little bit of a bitch and didn't answer her text today, but I was legitimately in class and that's exactly what I'm going to tell her tomorrow.   She doesn't like, she can suck it.

Oh and this was nearly late, because I almost forgot about it, but hey it's all good now right?  Because I got to you guys and you guys got a nice long slightly rant-y diatribe about what's happening in my life.   Sorry bout that.  Maybe it'll be different tomorrow.

Beda: Day 11: The Freaking Fire Alarm.

So today was an interesting day.  I didn't really have time to tell you guys about it earlier.    Well, technically that's not actually true.  I did have time.   I was just using that time to start writing a work of fictional lit.   Which is fine.  That's what I do.  You guys know I like doing that.   Because you have seen "Enigma" because I posted it here.   So you guys know about me being that kind of person.  But no, that wasn't even what it was all about.

So I went to Stage Makeup and we did eighteenth century ladies which always becomes this garish almost clown like makeup because these women were crazy.   And that was all good.   The results of that are in the vlog today and so it should be really good.  I think I'm going to unlist the clip of me taking all the makeup off.  I think that would be interesting for people to see.   I just don't know what's being discussed on the clip or what is possibly playing on my computer because it's quite possible that I'm playing music in the background. 

But yeah, I took the makeup off and got all of my stuff ready and I'm watching my bestie braid another friend's hair when THE FREAKING FIRE ALARM GOES OFF.  In the theatre building.  Last time that happened, I had like a whole cast of actors taking care of me and freaking out.   Because I'm epileptic and they love their stupid flashy lights for the fire alarm at school.   And my teacher was like oh, it's not a big deal and then we had to explain the whole thing which needless to say freaked her out a little bit.   But I got outside safely and without having any problems.   The strangest part was that they didn't know it was going on.   They had no clue what was going.   What happened?  Still not even sure. 

So I was a little bit anxious, but we were allowed to go back into the building and so me and my bestie went to dance class and it went off again right as I set down my stuff.   I headed out the doorway only for them to tell me it was a false alarm.   Now, needless to say, I'm like always accompanied when there is a fire alarm going off in the building because I pretty much have to stare straight down at the ground or close my eyes and need someone to guide me.   So this is a little insane.   But I got out of dance class because I didn't need to be around that and it was only that building that was going off.  Hopefully, they'll have fixed it by tomorrow.

But yeah, so I wrote for a long while.   Because I had wanted to do that for a couple of days and I just had a couple of things that I needed to that got in the way.  But today I got to write 1000 words.   So that was fun.   I really like getting into that zone where I can just type away.   It's a nice feeling.   And talking about that, I want to get back to it, so I'll see you soon.  

Beda: Day 9: IC Drama.

At home today and one thing I'm glad I'm not really part of.   You know, the things?  I'm actually proud I'm not in one of the many circles of drama that I know about.   It's not really something that I really enjoy being a part of.  I mean I'm part of a dramatic crowd normally but yeah, this is something that I don't enjoy.

Now, I mean I know I'm not the only one who just gets that glad feeling when I don't get in the middle of drama.   Who actually wants to be a part of it?   Who cares about the petty problems that other people have.  Other people suck much balls.   And quite frankly what I want is other people to just kind of get their heads out of their rear ends.   Saying things on the internet in an insulting manner and starting a fight is dumb and I can't stand when people do it.

And this is coming from someone who has been bullied by someone online.   I don't honestly give a damn about most people's opinions but you really have to take into consideration, who you're dealing with.   Keep it calm and do as your mother said when you were little.   If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

And then there's personal life drama which I'm also glad I'm not a part of, it just seems so complicated and that's not the person I am right now.   I'm someone who has a very different opinion on things than might be popular in the world.   Guess how much I care?  Oh did you guess more than zero?  Sorry, that's wrong.  It's zero.  I care zero percent about how my opinions reflect the world's popular opinion.   Because I'm not trying to demean anyone, I'm just putting it out there.

Also, don't be offended if you ask my opinion.  I say that at the onset.  Just doesn't work.

Beda: Day 6: Sleeping time.

God, I'm just tired today.  I'ven't done anything.  I mean that counts as kind of a win, but i'd much rather have done something than sit around all day "appreciating" my fine leg pain.   Yeah, stupid thing still hurts but I'm just overreacting according to other parties, who don't include a doctor I might add and so nothing has been done about it.   Hopefully, nothing's super wrong.   Seriously, if there's a tumor or something in my leg, I'm going to flip a table a la "Real housewives" and I wouldn't care who's around.

honestly, I just want to rage a little bit.  I mean other people are cool enough, but right now, I am just so angry and tired that I think I want to go to sleep.   Because hoenstly, I'll probably wake up in the morning and generally feel like a bitch for posting this blog, but I'm not right now.  I'm sorry it's short and all but I didn't promise long blogs, just that there would be one everyday.

Beda: Day 2: Procrastination

Okay, so I'm reminded of a joke from a meekakitty video.   She said that her choir teacher told it.   He would ask "Who here is good at procrastination"....and then people would raise their hand and then he would say "Then, why do need to keep practicing it?" 

And yeah, I kind of wish that I had someone ask me that like a week ago when I should have been doing all this work that I'm doing right now.   Thankfully, good news is that I got all the printing done and now it's all writing the write ups.   Well, it's getting there.   From the time this is coming to you, I've probably been working on the writing for about an hour or two and I've gotten about half of it done.   And yeah, it's amazing what kind of fire you can get in when the fear of failing gets to you.

And I've always known I work the best under this kind of pressure that I have a deadline and I have to get it done and if I don't buckle down and do it immediately, that nothing will be done and there will be consequences.   But usually I have at least some of it done before the mass writing spree that is things that I do.  So yeah, I'm feeling a little stressed.   I did however get PADA and VEDA done for today before I settled into the thick of the article reading and stuff.

This is the first like really intensive project that I've had to do this semester and I feel a little bad for letting it slack for as long as I did, but it's not like there's something that I can do about it and at the end of the day if this is what I need to, I guess there's no arguing with that.   And it is good for my skin.   The crazy skin I have which constantly craves the stress.   Seriously, on Spring Break and relaxing weekends and stuff, I break out but such is not the case when I've got four major projects going on at the same time.   So anyway, yeah.   I just needed to talk about that. 

Because yeah, my life for the next couple of day is going to be articles whenever I can.   Hope this assignment comes out okay. :]

A Day, Understood

So yesterday was really good and then it was a clusterfuck.   Now, I'm going to start with the bad news because I believe that I should leave this with a good taste in my mouth and I'm pretty sure you guys don't want to remember me being a downer, because I know how this works. 

Bad news was our power went off for several hours.   Gah, like seriously.   No Beuno at all.   It's not easy to relax when there's absolutely nothing going on.   Also the video that I started to post apparently shut off the the visual part of the video about a third of the way into it.   Just was not good.  There was some other stuff, but that's for another day.    Still, those were the two main points of the badness.  Did not like it one bit as you might imagine.

The good news is though that the video I was trying to record, I was recording it on my new camera.  Now I don't have to webcam videos anymore and I'm not strictly limited to inside the house now.  Yay!   That's always fun.   In a couple of days, I will be anxiously posting another video in which I pimp out for votes.   I would really like to go to Vidcon especially now that I have my awesome camera.  But there was also Hagen Daans Ice Cream last night which was delicious.    And I read two chapters out of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

So everything was about even.   All in all, not a fantastic day, but not a horrible one where everything went wrong.   And I even got the video fixed.    And we got the power back as is obvious because I'm writing a blog post about, but whatever.    You know, I still couldn't live on a desert island because I could leave my modern comforts.

I have a first world problem

Sorry, for a quiet evening without me, but I'm back and I have more to tell you than ever.   After the first week of school is done, it just seems weird, not to talk bout it.   I'm really lucky to have great classes this year, unfortunately, some of them are quite expensive.   I've been spending money left and right to get this or that and soon enough, I'm going to get tired of it.  And I think I already have.

Today's college rant is mainly a  life rant.   I love shopping online.  I think it's great.  I buy all my textbooks this way and I love to just look.   I like looking at the pretty stuff I can get online.  Comes with the lifestyle I'm accustomed to, I guess.   But last night I ran into a bit of a first world problem.   I'm taking a stage makeup class and I needed this high end theatrical makeup set.   People use it all the time and the cost of is between 50 and 70 dollars normally.  Alarming but not bad.   Now, the only place to get in town was way in the middle of our downtown and I don't drive.   So I figured, hey, online shopping here we go.

So I got to my favorite online seller, Amazon to see if they had this kit.  They were currently out of stock.  Drats, but not a big deal.   So I type in "Ben Nye Theatrical Creme Makeup Kit" to produce some results of where else I could get it.   I found a site.   about 45 to 50 bucks.   Awesome, I'll take it.   I go through the big schpiel from the company about putting my information in and then go to the the select shipping page.   The lowest they had the shipping for was 35 dollars!!  I mean for 35 dollars I expect you to be hand delivering it to my house.   So I went somewhere else.   And I found it again and put my information in and did this a couple more times before realizing, I just needed to find the cheapest shipping for this thing.   Which ended up being 12 dollars.   That was a fifth of the entire cost of the makeup.  

And I realized last night that I have a serious Amazon pampering.   I get free two day shipping for any and all purchases through my prime membership and I get four dollar overnight shipping.  So what I'm saying is that I've recently come to see how much I depend on Amazon for all my needs as an online shopper.   And it's worth it.   I always get great customer service and find that people are always willing to help.  

Aside from the cost involved in this semester, it's going well.   Kicking off the first week, I've already become a little less afraid of myself as an actor.   I really do enjoy it so much.  I find it absolutely fascinating that my first cold read of the semester and I did great.  I loved it.   I enjoy having that time to just let go of me and become someone else.   Speaking of which, I should probably get started on my homework.   I have a monologue due next thursday and I hope it goes well.    But in truth I also got the book of the play from Amazon too.  God, I'm such a sucker.   Well, that's all for now.   Ta tah.

DFTBA darling,
Nina and her BloggedLife