With all the craziness of school and a couple of other things, I've neglected my poor little blog and I'm sorry for that. My dad is leaving tomorrow and I've already had the pangs because I know he's going to leave. And that kind precognition does not make things easier. As I've grown up and understood more of the fatality around the world, it gets scarier to let him go without a swell of emotion. But this isn't entirely about that. This is about being in a place where I can write again.
I'm writing what could concievably become a book. I've written about 6K in words and I'm very excited for this. Because it means I'm writing again. And it doesn't mean it's great, but I just want to get back into it. I want to say this first and foremost, my books don't particularly mention race, so they could be given to the mind's eye as whatever color the reader feels comfortable with, but in my mind, I've always seen them as white. It's not because I don't like other races, it's just that's what I'm most comfortable with.
I feel like if, hypothetically, I were really rich and famous from my books and I were to come out and say that even though my books do not portray skin color as a defining factor of that I might be ostracized because I don't care. I mean the color of the person on the book doesn't really matter to me so much as the people inside the book. And I tend to get books that have less of a person on them and more with an abstract design that totally represents some part of the book. It's not that I don't like books with people on the covers, because that's not true, but it's just something I've been thinking about.
Because I eventually want my books to go into print and I want them to be accessible to all readers, not just the ones who pick it up because they like the person on the front of the book. That's silly. I don't like to do it that way. But I'll be updating you guys on how this is going and hopefully it will become something wonderful.
Let's just say that if I could finish two novels this year, I would be extremely happy. I would be over the moon. That would just be so incredible. I've always wanted to do this. I've always wanted to be a novelist, but up until recently, I've never found that I could complete them. Maybe this has started a new chapter in my life and if it has, I'm incredibly excited to see where it leads because this is just as much of a mystery to me as it is to you. Thanks for being with me. Thanks for taking the time and knowing I had to relax. I'll always come back to you guys though. I always do.
Showing posts with label frustration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label frustration. Show all posts
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Beda: Day 23: Failure.
So yes, technically I failed for Day 23 but I was really busy with other things like writing upwards of four papers during the day, creating two video blogs, and still not picking out two of my three monologues I have to do. I'm sorry, things got in the way and I got so tired I forgot about BEDA, but it won't happen again. I'm actually really proud of myself up till this point. I've only missed one day on both BEDA and PADA and I'm still even going back and making it up to myself because I need the consolation of thirty.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Beda: Day 21: My Editing Process.
I never knew how exactly hard yet easy it was going to be to edit a novel. I mean I've written things before and reworked them and gone back and cringed at old work I had sitting on the internet, but revising this is an entirely new ballgame.
First of all, it's not something I can just do on my computer. I actually had to print it out so it was easier to read and see what changes I wanted to make. Mostly because if I don't agree with these changes later, I don't have to make them and I can throw the draft out. And by throw out, I do mean recycle because that would a lot of paper to just waste on putting in the wrong bin. Seriously this manuscript is over 60 pages.
It's easy in the fact that this doesn't really feel like my work. I can critique at a distance and put the much needed edits into it. Which is something I never thought I would be able to do. I'm typically more assured in my work than that and it's often not till several years later when I'm bored and decided to have a read at some of my old work that I realize how much I could have used an edit button. I truly mean that. But no, that part is actually going remarkably great. I'm also not at that point where everything is total crap, like writers often go through. I just I have the distance and that's what I needed.
It's hard in the fact that it is very technically time consuming. I often have to read paragraphs or sentences over again because I'm not sure how they feel. I have to mull them around. And that's a little bit frustrating. As someone who virtually has a judgment on something the second she is presented with it, this mulling process is fairly long and laborious. And that maddens me a little bit. For the past two days I've been editing on and off and I've only gotten through 8 pages. Not even 8. Like 7 and 3/4. And that was only the first two chapters. There are at least like 20 Chapters in the whole thing. I don't exactly remember.
This manuscript has all the words I wrote and I'll always be incredibly proud of that, but I'm really glad I'm taking this time to make it better. To see what else to do with it. And I think this is making me a better writer. I can see what works for me and what doesn't. And no, I'ven't finshed the novel for this year. It's still on my list of things to do, but I work best under pressure and I wrote this novel in November, maybe I'll write all my novels via NaNoWriMo.
Maybe in November when NaNoWriMo comes around I'll have to blog about how well things are going without giving any details away because then I'm never motivated to finish. And I'm determined to write a novel this year. Again. Because I like writing. And While I love doing blogposts, my heart is with the fiction.
First of all, it's not something I can just do on my computer. I actually had to print it out so it was easier to read and see what changes I wanted to make. Mostly because if I don't agree with these changes later, I don't have to make them and I can throw the draft out. And by throw out, I do mean recycle because that would a lot of paper to just waste on putting in the wrong bin. Seriously this manuscript is over 60 pages.
It's easy in the fact that this doesn't really feel like my work. I can critique at a distance and put the much needed edits into it. Which is something I never thought I would be able to do. I'm typically more assured in my work than that and it's often not till several years later when I'm bored and decided to have a read at some of my old work that I realize how much I could have used an edit button. I truly mean that. But no, that part is actually going remarkably great. I'm also not at that point where everything is total crap, like writers often go through. I just I have the distance and that's what I needed.
It's hard in the fact that it is very technically time consuming. I often have to read paragraphs or sentences over again because I'm not sure how they feel. I have to mull them around. And that's a little bit frustrating. As someone who virtually has a judgment on something the second she is presented with it, this mulling process is fairly long and laborious. And that maddens me a little bit. For the past two days I've been editing on and off and I've only gotten through 8 pages. Not even 8. Like 7 and 3/4. And that was only the first two chapters. There are at least like 20 Chapters in the whole thing. I don't exactly remember.
This manuscript has all the words I wrote and I'll always be incredibly proud of that, but I'm really glad I'm taking this time to make it better. To see what else to do with it. And I think this is making me a better writer. I can see what works for me and what doesn't. And no, I'ven't finshed the novel for this year. It's still on my list of things to do, but I work best under pressure and I wrote this novel in November, maybe I'll write all my novels via NaNoWriMo.
Maybe in November when NaNoWriMo comes around I'll have to blog about how well things are going without giving any details away because then I'm never motivated to finish. And I'm determined to write a novel this year. Again. Because I like writing. And While I love doing blogposts, my heart is with the fiction.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Beda: Day 19: The Problem With Person X.
It's early in the morning and we need to talk. This is something that I would never put on the video blog because this is for the people who really want a deeper perspective on me and this is not something I would really ever share on my video blog. I've had someone very recently come up, I won't tell you their relation to me or call them by their name because who knows who could be reading this out there, so for now, I want to tell you about person X. Person X has been in my life for a long time but never really a part of it.
My problem with Person X is that they don't really seem to care about me. They don't seem to care about my feelings or interests and due to the somewhat forced bond we have, it's hard to just cut X out of my life completely. That's what I want to do though. This person has made no effort to understand who I am as a person. X doesn't care if they hurt my family members with the way they use their words. And they just generally have no idea with what's going on in my life.
Normally, if this was anyone else, I wouldn't care. X, it would seem, is different because they can make the people around me feel inadequate and I'm just I want to be done with it. We're never going to have the relationship that we should and so I should just be able to drop it, shouldn't I? I mean there's nothing wrong with people who don't want to be friends and/or family to me. I'm cool with that. I don't have to have everyone like me. What seems to be the problem is that I'm kind of bowing to social pressure by having this relationship with Person X in the first place.
In an ideal world, I could tell Person X to fuck off with their bullshit, that I live my life they way I want to and if they disapprove then they can go marry a squirrel for all I care. I know that would hurt a lot more people than just Person X though. Because unfortunately, by doing that, I open up the possibility that they go after someone else that I deeply care about and I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of hiding but I'm also tired of the fake faces. Just tell me who you are. I don't want to guess. I'm not an audience member and this is not some high art play about the importance of beauty. This is real life and it shouldn't be as complicated.
I guess the moral of this story is that being an adult blows. Especially when you realize you can't just tell the bully in your life to go blow some hot air out their ass. Person X has ceased being important in my life and if they don't want to be their for the defining moments, I don't care. I have plenty of family and friends who love me just the way I am and couldn't be happier to be at the moments that will make my lifetime up. Person X, don't be surprised when you're not invited to my awesome wedding. If you don't accept me now, you'll never accept me when I'm married to a great man or woman of my choosing. Have a nice life.
It feels good to say it. If only for a second and with vague details surrounding it. I'm me and that's all I'll ever hope to be.
My problem with Person X is that they don't really seem to care about me. They don't seem to care about my feelings or interests and due to the somewhat forced bond we have, it's hard to just cut X out of my life completely. That's what I want to do though. This person has made no effort to understand who I am as a person. X doesn't care if they hurt my family members with the way they use their words. And they just generally have no idea with what's going on in my life.
Normally, if this was anyone else, I wouldn't care. X, it would seem, is different because they can make the people around me feel inadequate and I'm just I want to be done with it. We're never going to have the relationship that we should and so I should just be able to drop it, shouldn't I? I mean there's nothing wrong with people who don't want to be friends and/or family to me. I'm cool with that. I don't have to have everyone like me. What seems to be the problem is that I'm kind of bowing to social pressure by having this relationship with Person X in the first place.
In an ideal world, I could tell Person X to fuck off with their bullshit, that I live my life they way I want to and if they disapprove then they can go marry a squirrel for all I care. I know that would hurt a lot more people than just Person X though. Because unfortunately, by doing that, I open up the possibility that they go after someone else that I deeply care about and I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of hiding but I'm also tired of the fake faces. Just tell me who you are. I don't want to guess. I'm not an audience member and this is not some high art play about the importance of beauty. This is real life and it shouldn't be as complicated.
I guess the moral of this story is that being an adult blows. Especially when you realize you can't just tell the bully in your life to go blow some hot air out their ass. Person X has ceased being important in my life and if they don't want to be their for the defining moments, I don't care. I have plenty of family and friends who love me just the way I am and couldn't be happier to be at the moments that will make my lifetime up. Person X, don't be surprised when you're not invited to my awesome wedding. If you don't accept me now, you'll never accept me when I'm married to a great man or woman of my choosing. Have a nice life.
It feels good to say it. If only for a second and with vague details surrounding it. I'm me and that's all I'll ever hope to be.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Beda: Day 12: Sitting, Internet, Theatre, and Books.
So today, I'm going to try and not be all cross even though I want to be. Because that's wrong and you guys don't deserve it. Not everything in my life is bad but sometimes it feels that way. And really in the scheme of things, today was a relatively good day. I just did a lot of useless sitting. And that's something that I really kind of hate. I mean I LIKE sitting, but I don't want to just sit. I want to do something. I want to be learning something or actively doing something of my choosing.
When I'm at school and have these longs breaks where I'm just sitting around, I'm more passive than at any point in my life. It's just not fun to sit around and do the cool things when you think everyone in the building could potentially run over and look over your shoulder. And that's just, that's really not something you ever want to have happen. It's not fun. So I spend most of my time refreshing Youtube or going on some of the safer sites. I still keep my twitter up in the background, but there are things that I just don't get to do at school which is not what I want to do. Then to top it off, today, my scene partner bailed. And this was honestly one of the most important days that she could have bailed on. And it just boggles my mind. I mean short of open heart surgery she really should have pushed it off until later and come because she's not only affecting her grade, but mine.
But thankfully Tim understood about the entire situation. He really is a lovely man and I cannot say enough good things about him. I can't wait for tomorrow when I get to see Cabaret as a patron of the arts. I've heard really good things about his rendition and so many of my friends are in the play and it's just so exciting. More exciting than anything you guys can possibly imagine if you aren't in the realm of the theatre. It isn't like a movie premiere, it's something quite more altogether, I think for everyone involved. So yeah, that's a thing in my life.
But other than that, I started a new book, that I'm about a quarter of the way done with. I need to read more over the summer, which actually shouldn't be a problem. I'm a fairly fast reader when I don't have school to interfere with things. So yes, I'm not technically behind yet, but I was very close to being if I didn't read a book this month and I have so that is very good. I need to find some new books...and convince my mom to let me buy some new books. Because yeah, I want more books. I want so many books and I just don't know where to start crossing books off the list. Seriously my main two expenditures in adult life: books and food. Who would buy anything else?
Maybe in a couple of days, for BEDA, I will do a book review. Who knows? I certainly don't. These things go day by day and now I think I'm going to write some more.
When I'm at school and have these longs breaks where I'm just sitting around, I'm more passive than at any point in my life. It's just not fun to sit around and do the cool things when you think everyone in the building could potentially run over and look over your shoulder. And that's just, that's really not something you ever want to have happen. It's not fun. So I spend most of my time refreshing Youtube or going on some of the safer sites. I still keep my twitter up in the background, but there are things that I just don't get to do at school which is not what I want to do. Then to top it off, today, my scene partner bailed. And this was honestly one of the most important days that she could have bailed on. And it just boggles my mind. I mean short of open heart surgery she really should have pushed it off until later and come because she's not only affecting her grade, but mine.
But thankfully Tim understood about the entire situation. He really is a lovely man and I cannot say enough good things about him. I can't wait for tomorrow when I get to see Cabaret as a patron of the arts. I've heard really good things about his rendition and so many of my friends are in the play and it's just so exciting. More exciting than anything you guys can possibly imagine if you aren't in the realm of the theatre. It isn't like a movie premiere, it's something quite more altogether, I think for everyone involved. So yeah, that's a thing in my life.
But other than that, I started a new book, that I'm about a quarter of the way done with. I need to read more over the summer, which actually shouldn't be a problem. I'm a fairly fast reader when I don't have school to interfere with things. So yes, I'm not technically behind yet, but I was very close to being if I didn't read a book this month and I have so that is very good. I need to find some new books...and convince my mom to let me buy some new books. Because yeah, I want more books. I want so many books and I just don't know where to start crossing books off the list. Seriously my main two expenditures in adult life: books and food. Who would buy anything else?
Maybe in a couple of days, for BEDA, I will do a book review. Who knows? I certainly don't. These things go day by day and now I think I'm going to write some more.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Beda: Day 11: The Freaking Fire Alarm.
So today was an interesting day. I didn't really have time to tell you guys about it earlier. Well, technically that's not actually true. I did have time. I was just using that time to start writing a work of fictional lit. Which is fine. That's what I do. You guys know I like doing that. Because you have seen "Enigma" because I posted it here. So you guys know about me being that kind of person. But no, that wasn't even what it was all about.
So I went to Stage Makeup and we did eighteenth century ladies which always becomes this garish almost clown like makeup because these women were crazy. And that was all good. The results of that are in the vlog today and so it should be really good. I think I'm going to unlist the clip of me taking all the makeup off. I think that would be interesting for people to see. I just don't know what's being discussed on the clip or what is possibly playing on my computer because it's quite possible that I'm playing music in the background.
But yeah, I took the makeup off and got all of my stuff ready and I'm watching my bestie braid another friend's hair when THE FREAKING FIRE ALARM GOES OFF. In the theatre building. Last time that happened, I had like a whole cast of actors taking care of me and freaking out. Because I'm epileptic and they love their stupid flashy lights for the fire alarm at school. And my teacher was like oh, it's not a big deal and then we had to explain the whole thing which needless to say freaked her out a little bit. But I got outside safely and without having any problems. The strangest part was that they didn't know it was going on. They had no clue what was going. What happened? Still not even sure.
So I was a little bit anxious, but we were allowed to go back into the building and so me and my bestie went to dance class and it went off again right as I set down my stuff. I headed out the doorway only for them to tell me it was a false alarm. Now, needless to say, I'm like always accompanied when there is a fire alarm going off in the building because I pretty much have to stare straight down at the ground or close my eyes and need someone to guide me. So this is a little insane. But I got out of dance class because I didn't need to be around that and it was only that building that was going off. Hopefully, they'll have fixed it by tomorrow.
But yeah, so I wrote for a long while. Because I had wanted to do that for a couple of days and I just had a couple of things that I needed to that got in the way. But today I got to write 1000 words. So that was fun. I really like getting into that zone where I can just type away. It's a nice feeling. And talking about that, I want to get back to it, so I'll see you soon.
So I went to Stage Makeup and we did eighteenth century ladies which always becomes this garish almost clown like makeup because these women were crazy. And that was all good. The results of that are in the vlog today and so it should be really good. I think I'm going to unlist the clip of me taking all the makeup off. I think that would be interesting for people to see. I just don't know what's being discussed on the clip or what is possibly playing on my computer because it's quite possible that I'm playing music in the background.
But yeah, I took the makeup off and got all of my stuff ready and I'm watching my bestie braid another friend's hair when THE FREAKING FIRE ALARM GOES OFF. In the theatre building. Last time that happened, I had like a whole cast of actors taking care of me and freaking out. Because I'm epileptic and they love their stupid flashy lights for the fire alarm at school. And my teacher was like oh, it's not a big deal and then we had to explain the whole thing which needless to say freaked her out a little bit. But I got outside safely and without having any problems. The strangest part was that they didn't know it was going on. They had no clue what was going. What happened? Still not even sure.
So I was a little bit anxious, but we were allowed to go back into the building and so me and my bestie went to dance class and it went off again right as I set down my stuff. I headed out the doorway only for them to tell me it was a false alarm. Now, needless to say, I'm like always accompanied when there is a fire alarm going off in the building because I pretty much have to stare straight down at the ground or close my eyes and need someone to guide me. So this is a little insane. But I got out of dance class because I didn't need to be around that and it was only that building that was going off. Hopefully, they'll have fixed it by tomorrow.
But yeah, so I wrote for a long while. Because I had wanted to do that for a couple of days and I just had a couple of things that I needed to that got in the way. But today I got to write 1000 words. So that was fun. I really like getting into that zone where I can just type away. It's a nice feeling. And talking about that, I want to get back to it, so I'll see you soon.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Beda: Day 9: IC Drama.
At home today and one thing I'm glad I'm not really part of. You know, the things? I'm actually proud I'm not in one of the many circles of drama that I know about. It's not really something that I really enjoy being a part of. I mean I'm part of a dramatic crowd normally but yeah, this is something that I don't enjoy.
Now, I mean I know I'm not the only one who just gets that glad feeling when I don't get in the middle of drama. Who actually wants to be a part of it? Who cares about the petty problems that other people have. Other people suck much balls. And quite frankly what I want is other people to just kind of get their heads out of their rear ends. Saying things on the internet in an insulting manner and starting a fight is dumb and I can't stand when people do it.
And this is coming from someone who has been bullied by someone online. I don't honestly give a damn about most people's opinions but you really have to take into consideration, who you're dealing with. Keep it calm and do as your mother said when you were little. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
And then there's personal life drama which I'm also glad I'm not a part of, it just seems so complicated and that's not the person I am right now. I'm someone who has a very different opinion on things than might be popular in the world. Guess how much I care? Oh did you guess more than zero? Sorry, that's wrong. It's zero. I care zero percent about how my opinions reflect the world's popular opinion. Because I'm not trying to demean anyone, I'm just putting it out there.
Also, don't be offended if you ask my opinion. I say that at the onset. Just doesn't work.
Now, I mean I know I'm not the only one who just gets that glad feeling when I don't get in the middle of drama. Who actually wants to be a part of it? Who cares about the petty problems that other people have. Other people suck much balls. And quite frankly what I want is other people to just kind of get their heads out of their rear ends. Saying things on the internet in an insulting manner and starting a fight is dumb and I can't stand when people do it.
And this is coming from someone who has been bullied by someone online. I don't honestly give a damn about most people's opinions but you really have to take into consideration, who you're dealing with. Keep it calm and do as your mother said when you were little. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
And then there's personal life drama which I'm also glad I'm not a part of, it just seems so complicated and that's not the person I am right now. I'm someone who has a very different opinion on things than might be popular in the world. Guess how much I care? Oh did you guess more than zero? Sorry, that's wrong. It's zero. I care zero percent about how my opinions reflect the world's popular opinion. Because I'm not trying to demean anyone, I'm just putting it out there.
Also, don't be offended if you ask my opinion. I say that at the onset. Just doesn't work.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Beda: Day 6: Sleeping time.
God, I'm just tired today. I'ven't done anything. I mean that counts as kind of a win, but i'd much rather have done something than sit around all day "appreciating" my fine leg pain. Yeah, stupid thing still hurts but I'm just overreacting according to other parties, who don't include a doctor I might add and so nothing has been done about it. Hopefully, nothing's super wrong. Seriously, if there's a tumor or something in my leg, I'm going to flip a table a la "Real housewives" and I wouldn't care who's around.
honestly, I just want to rage a little bit. I mean other people are cool enough, but right now, I am just so angry and tired that I think I want to go to sleep. Because hoenstly, I'll probably wake up in the morning and generally feel like a bitch for posting this blog, but I'm not right now. I'm sorry it's short and all but I didn't promise long blogs, just that there would be one everyday.
honestly, I just want to rage a little bit. I mean other people are cool enough, but right now, I am just so angry and tired that I think I want to go to sleep. Because hoenstly, I'll probably wake up in the morning and generally feel like a bitch for posting this blog, but I'm not right now. I'm sorry it's short and all but I didn't promise long blogs, just that there would be one everyday.
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